Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
Today I’m sharing my feelings on Joe Biden’s asylum ban, Joe Biden selling weapons to autocrats, a teacher in so-called Florida being investigated for showing children a movie with a gay character, and South Africa being accused by the US of selling weapons to Russia.
Onto the news…
News that made me say Joe Biden has been copying Trump’s homework
Joe Biden, a man who spent his entire campaign spinning a web of lies so big that you’d believe he was raised by spiders, has gone back on his campaign promise to “restore asylum.” Instead of restoring asylum, Biden is actually “banning” asylum according to many human rights groups and me. The truth is having a border at all is banning asylum, but I don’t think Joe is ready for this conversation.
Biden’s asylumpolicy would deport people who attempt to seek asylum at a United States port if they haven’t booked an appointment through the notoriously glitchy CBP One app or not requested asylum at any other country they passed on the way to the so-called United States. Joe is banning asylum by making it impossible for people who are seeking asylum to qualify for asylum. He might as well have added solving a Rubik’s cube while high to the policy because this policy is already impossible.
This “new” policy isn’t new though; it’s been borrowed from some of Trump’s illegal racistimmigration laws, because racists love to copy each other’s homework. This proves once again that the difference between Joe Biden and Trump is that one of them is called Joe Biden. People are actually disappointed in Joe Biden for his new racist policy and I have to ask these people, have you been awake at all during this man’s presidency? Biden embraced Donald Trump’s racist immigration laws like they were his mother on mother’s day.
The people at the Department of Homeland Security who implement this rule are not embracing this policy and have called for the president torescind it because it’s illegal. Illegality is not something racists let get in their way of violating human rights. Instead of heeding the cry from “asylum personnel” who said they have to violate their oath to follow this rule, Biden’s administration told them to get another job. This is exactly what Trump would tell people who are hesitant to further violate human rights.
So, please stop assuming that white racist men will behave differently because they have different names and start creating a world where white racist men or anyone else don’t have the power to oppress others.
News that made me remind you the so-called United States of America is not a democracy
When Joe Biden isn’t actively attacking people seeking asylum, he is selling arms to57% of governments defined as “autocracies” to create situations that make people seek asylum. It’s not surprising to me that the so-called United States sells weapons to autocracies because the United States of America is an autocracy. No, I’m not being funny, though I really wish I was.
I’m not sure the people who labelled the governments the United States is selling arms to as “autocratic” would agree with me, because many people don’t agree with me when I say the United States is the evil core. Those people are wrong. I’m not saying I have monopoly on the truth, I’m just saying if I say US bad and you say US good, you are wrong. It doesn’t matter what situation you are talking about unless you say the US is very good at being bad.
The United States does meet the definition of an autocracy based on the definition put forth by “Regimes of the World,” a tool used to classify whether a government is an autocracy or not. According to theRegimes of the world, a closed autocracy is a government where “citizens do not have the right to choose either the chief executive of the government or the legislature through multi-party elections”.
I know the United States has elections but these elections are as real as Joe Biden’s promise to forgive your student loans. Please do not stop reading, I’m not about to go on a diatribe about how the election was rigged; this is not Tucker Carlson’s newsletter. What I’m saying is that we don’t really get a say in who runs for president or who becomes president because rich people fund all political campaigns and pay for Clarence Thomas’ vacations.
News that made me call out Disney’s pro feudalism content
A teacher in the place called Florida is being investigated for showing her students a Disney movie with agay character. I promise you this is not a scene from George Orwell’s 1984, but it could definitely be the opening scene for the sequel. The ability to investigate teachers for “indoctrinating” children is part one of Ron Desantis’ Orwellian “don’t say gay” law that tells teachers they have to pretend like LGBTQI+ people don’t exist.
Ron Desantis has been creating so many Orwellian scenes in Florida to help him make the case of why he should be the United States of America’s next top war criminal, aka president. Maybe he is also auditioning for a town hall on CNN? As we know, CNN loves to platform fascists.
Part of the process of investigating whether “indoctrination” has happened will be interrogating children on said indoctrination. I still can’t fully believe that sentence I just wrote. I feel like I’m living in a vivid nightmare where fascism is here and I have to pay for my weed.
How does one go about determining whether children have been indoctrinated to believe LGBTQI+ people exist? Please don’t answer this question, because I can’t afford the weed I’d need to recover from this.
Also, Desantis, why are you okay with Disney indoctrinating children with pro-feudalism content which is objectively bad? Actually, I know the answer to this question. Disney teaching children feudalism is great because princesses are pretty isn’t a threat to capitalism. While me challenging this heteronormative hellscape by simply existing threatens capitalism’s ability to control us based on a gendered hierarchy. I know what you are doing, Desantis. You aren’t protecting children, you are protecting fascism.
News that made me say we have to cancel capitalism
In this week’s episode of the Real States of Dystopia, the so-called United States of America is condemning South Africa for allegedlyselling weapons to Russia. This is the same United States of America that is selling weapons to autocracies. The United States has made it very clear that only the US can decide who are bad dictators and who are good dictators.
Currently South Africa is supporting a bad dictator because the United States has decided that Putin is a bad dictator. Genocidal Israel is okay though! The United States is like that kid in the playground who changes the rules of the game to make sure they keep winning.
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I’m not a fan of Putin because, unlike the United States, I hate all dictators. I don’t think Putin should have weapons anymore than Joe Biden should have access to weapons (or a microphone). I just think that it’s funny that the United States will be loudly hypocritical and other countries will play along like the US has some moral high ground. By funny, I mean really disturbing that this large bully is shifting its weight around and no one is calling them out because they are scared.
For example, South Africa’s president is currently denying claims that it sold weapons to Russia, instead of telling the United States well you sell weapons to dictators, so if we did the same terrible thing, it just means we believe in the American value of supplying weapons to horrible autocrats.
To be clear I’m not saying I’m rooting for South Africa because I don’t root for states. I root for people. What I’m saying is that states are too scared to call out the United States for being bullies because the leaders of those states benefit from the dystopia while we the people suffer.
Unless we the people get together to end this long running series (that we didn’t ask for) known as the Real States of Dystopia starring the United States of America, dictators will continue to get weapons. We have to cancel this show that should have never been made to begin with.
News that made me say the NYPD is the real terror squad
The NYPD attacked people attending a vigil and I shared my thoughts on TikTok.