Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
Today I’m sharing my feelings on the so-called United States government giving rich people tax deductions for their private jets and yachts, the Israeli government attacking Palestinians in Al-Aqsa Mosque, the place called Idaho banning out of state abortions for minors, and Chipotle being forced to pay workers for shutting down a store in so-called Maine.
Onto the news…
News that made me tell you to ask Joe Biden to pay for your vacation
Ever wish the government would pay for your self care? Well, apparently it’s possible, you just have to be rich enough to buy aprivate jet or private yacht.
The so-called US government has been giving rich people tax deductions for using their private jets to travel to islands because being rich is so hard. Oppressing other humans to buy things you don’t need takes a toll on your humanity and sometimes you just need to go to an island to take a break from it all.
That’s a joke!
Rich people don’t have any humanity left in them, so oppressing people doesn’t hurt them, it just makes them trick the government into paying for their vacations. As far as the government is concerned the tax deductions on private yachts and jets are based on the notion that these items are used for business purposes..
This is obviously very insulting for all of us who don’t get tax deductions for paying for the subway to go to work. Even more insulting for those of us who don’t get tax deductions for skipping the turnstiles. However, that’s just what happens if you’re not besties with the government. We obviously need the money more but we live in a world where the more you have the more you get from the state because the state serves those who have the most.
In fact, rich people are getting so much money from the government for their private jets and yachts that they are buying additional jets.According to Propublica, when Trump was pushing the tax bill that would allow the “full price of a personal jet to be completely tax deductible,” rich person Mori Hosseini bought his second jet. The jet was 19.5 million dollars and it came with“$8 million in tax savings”.
So next time Joe Biden tells you he doesn’t have money to forgive your student loans, ask him if he can at least pay for your next vacation. It’s a lot cheaper than a rich person’s vacation.
News that made me say you can’t admit you are paying for genocide
Israeli police raided theAl-Aqsa Mosque while Palestinians were worshipping inside. The worshippers inside were brutally attacked, 14 people were injured, and over 300 were arrested. I cannot get over the cruelty of beating people then arresting them. What are you arresting them for, being oppressed? Or are you arresting them to cover up your own crimes?
I’ll go with the second option because it makes sense to me and not very many things make sense to me. I’m still trying to figure out why everyone hates going to work but we all do it. Like why can’t we all just decide together that we are no longer doing this and keep getting paid to do what we want? Anyway, this is not the time for this discussion.
The Israeli government, like all genocidal states, criminalizes those who it oppresses to legitimise the genocide. I saw a glimpse of the video of the police beating the worshipers and I will not share it because it was very painful. If anyone sees this video, their immediate reaction like mine would be to say wow this is terrible and you are terrible for doing it, please stop.
However, if the people doing the beating say, well you know, they were threatening us by peacefully praying, then the so-called US government can come in and say, “It is imperative now more than ever that Israelis and Palestinians work together to de-escalate tensions and restore calm.” These are literal words from the White House press secretary, not the headline of an Onion article.
The White House can pretend that both sides are equally wrong when one side is actively committing genocide because the side that is committing genocide keeps saying it’s not genocide, it’s self-defence.
Obviously no objective party believes the self-defence claims – but the US is not an objective party. The US is paying for the genocide and when you are paying for something bad, you have to pretend that it’s actually good. I mean, you can just stop paying for it but that’s not an option if oppressing others is part of your personal brand.
News that made me say Idaho should have stuck to potatoes
The place calledIdaho has passed a law that criminalises assisting minors to travel out of state for abortions. Idaho will no longer be known only for its potatoes, it will also be known as a place that encourages rampant human rights violations. I personally would rather be known for potatoes because potatoes are such a versatile vegetable. They can be fried, they can be mashed, they can be thrown at people who want to take away your bodily autonomy.
However, Brad Little, the governor of Idaho, wants to be known as a huge human rights violator so he signed this terrible bill into law. I guess Brad was tired of being associated with little so he thought, why not do something extraordinarily terrible.
This law is extremely dangerous because, as you might have already guessed, abortion is illegal in Idaho and travelling out of state is the only way for anyone to get abortion access. It would be really weird if abortions were legal in Idaho but the state criminalised out of state abortions. How would that happen? Maybe it would be because Idaho took so much pride in being good at abortions that it didn’t want Idahoans to go anywhere else?
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Nonetheless, not allowing children who need healthcare to travel out of state to get said healthcare highlights the total tyranny that children face. Idaho says that aiding a child to travel out of state can be defended if a parent gives consent. So Idaho is saying children are their parents’ property and have no rights. This is not true.
Children, contrary to our society’s general belief, are autonomous people with rights. You can’t say someone doesn’t have rights just because they haven’t been here long enough to know that being an adult is just pretending every day that you know what you are doing.
News that made me remember why I painted my nails black for the first time
The people who own Chipotle want to make as much money as possible through exploiting workers and overcharging customers. Chipotle is not special, oppressing workers and hurting customers is the foundation of any “successful” business. Just like eating candy for breakfast is the foundation for my happiness.
The only part of this news that I found surprising is that Chipotle was ordered to pay the workers back for lost wages. I was expecting the government to do what it usually does, which is ignore suffering workers. I guess closing a whole store when people are trying to unionise was so awful that even the government was like, well we have to do something otherwise we will look like we are on the same team as Chipotle.
Spoiler alert, government, we already know you are on Chipotle’s side. If you weren’t on Chipotle’s side, Mr. Government, you would have shut down Chipotle and taken it to prison for committing a crime because that’s what you do to people whose side you’re not on when they commit crimes.
Also can we talk about how Chipotle would rather close down a restaurant than have unionised workers? This means Chipotle is willing to lose money to disempower its workers. The one thing you should take from this is that for capitalists, it’s not just about profit, it’s about complete and total control of workers. If they can’t have docile workers, they’d rather not have those workers because resistant workers inspire other workers to do the same.
I will never forget the time in undergrad I started painting my nails black because my best friend started painting her nails black. Capitalists don’t want us inspiring each other to be resistant and that’s why you should be resistant at any opportunity you get. Be the one who inspires people to paint their nails black. By painting nails black I obviously mean revolt.
I took a break from the news to tell you to read a really really good book