Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
Today I’m sharing my feelings on Cigna, a health insurance company making money by declining medical procedures, barristers (litigators) in the UK taking a stand against climate change, people in France protesting against a mega-basin (reservoir), and a rapper using his experience with police violence to create art.
Onto the news…
News that made me say it’s not okay to let your bully slam you against a locker
I smiled because these barristers are showing us that what the state chooses to define as a crime is entirely constructed and we don’t have to abide by laws that have been created to harm us.
This declaration calls out that the actual crime is destroying the planet, which is true, but the state refuses to acknowledge this truth because it would get in the way of that sweet money. Why keep the planet habitable so generations of flora and fauna can enjoy a good life when you can make the planet unhabitable so a few people can enjoy one lifetime of excess?
People who don’t agree with the barristers’ act of defiance have stated that this act violates “that everyone is entitled fair and impartial legal representation.” To which I ask, what’s the point of having “fair and impartial legal representation” if the system is unfair and partial to benefiting capitalists?
We know the system benefits capitalists when it allows corporations to carry out acts of violence like turning the planet into an extreme weather factory, while telling us we can’t use violence to stop them. That’s like if a teacher allows your bully to slam you against the locker every day and then tells you that it’s unfair to make your bully stop because slamming you against the locker makes your bully happy.
News that made me rename health insurance companies to wealth insurance companies
Cigna, a health insurance company, created a system to not pay for insured patients’ medical procedures inorder to “save” money because the purpose of healthcare in the so-called United States of America is to make money not provide healthcare.
If the purpose of healthcare was to provide healthcare, insurance companies wouldn’t exist and healthcare would be free. In fact, health insurance companies should be renamed to wealth insurance companies because their sole purpose is to ensure wealth for the capitalists.
It’s for the purpose of ensuring wealth that Cigna created a system that would legally allow doctors to decline patient’s health claims in bulk. Usually getting something in bulk sounds nice but not declined health claims. Yes, there is a legal way for health insurance companies to decline care because much like all of capitalism, health insurance is a scam.
Actually, insurance is a scam even based on capitalist standards. It is not legal for my local bodega to keep my money and decline me gushers because gushers are bad for my teeth!
Nonetheless, let me explain how insurance companies are allowed to steal from their customers. In order to legally decline care, an insurance company must have doctors review claims. This process generally takes a long period of time and is not cost effective for smaller claims.
However, Cigna came up with an evil hack to save money and keep its customers ill.
Cigna uses a computer program (created by a doctor) that rejects health claims in bulk; so doctors then sign the rejected claims without ever looking at them. The doctor who created this program obviously signed the counter-hippocratic oath that says do harm. That counter-hippocratic oath is also called capitalism.
Cigna only reinforces the fact that capitalists plan to use technology only for evil. Actually, capitalists plan to use anything for evil and that’s why healthcare should never be treated like a commodity for sale.
News that made me think Macron is trying to be a comedian
On 25th March, thousands of protestors clashed with police in Sainte-Soline, France. The protestors came to Sainte-Soline to protest the construction of a mega-basin which wouldbenefit large farms. Per usual, the police arrived to harm people in order to make sure no rich person’s bank account got harmed.
I, for one, am very proud of the people living in France for standing up to Macron and showing up to fight corporate water theft. Obviously Macron is not as proud as I am because I’m not willing to do terrible things so I can afford a fancy watch which I’m too ashamed to wear on TV.
Regarding the protests in Sainte-Soline, Macron stated, “We will never give in to this violence. In a democracy, we do not have the right to use violence.” I guess in addition to being an autocrat Macron is trying his hand in comedy, because that was hilarious. Macron literally used police violence against people protesting his undemocratic pension reform so I’m assuming that statement was a joke.
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If it wasn’t a joke that would mean that either Macron defines democracy as the state using violence to serve corporate interests, or Macron is a liar who is willing to say anything to serve corporate interests. I’ll let you decide which.
News that made me realise living in a dystopia can be funny
After police invaded his home, rapper Afroman used the invasion as inspiration for his new albumLemon Pound Cake. He also used the invasion footage for his music video and is currently selling merch with one of the cops’ faces. I’m so proud of Afroman for turning police violence into Lemon Pound Cake.
As one might guess, the invaders are not happy about being called out for violence. The police who Afroman has popularised through his art are suing for “invasion of privacy.”
When I read this I laughed hard. I guess the perk of living in a dystopia is that the people who run the dystopia accidentally create dark comedy. Please note that this is a perk that I will happily give up to be free.
Nonetheless, I laughed so hard because at first I just couldn’t believe the people who broke into someone’s home and stole his money are now claiming their privacy was violated. Then I remembered that I live in a dystopia where the police think they should be worshipped for oppressing us, so I stopped laughing. I started laughing again when I read that the police are saying Afroman’s album and videos ruined their reputation.
These police officers ruined their own reputations by being racist oppressors! Someone needs to tell them that their profession ruined their reputation not Afroman. That person can’t be me because I know the police are generally not receptive to being called racist oppressors to their faces. Trust me, I’ve tried it.
News that made me say Canada is also terrible
This week on TikTok I shared my feelings on the US-Canada agreement to reject people seeking asylum from the Canadian border