Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
Today I’m sharing my feelings about the Miami-Dade Police Department decorating a police car for Black History Month, the “spy” balloon in the so-called USA, the House of Representatives denouncing socialism, and Shell making record profits. Onto the news…
Onto the news…
News that made me redefine trolling
The Miami-Dade Police Department in the place called Florida, brought in Black History Month with a new police car decorated with the words “Black History Month”, raised fists, and multiple maps of Africa. This is a pure act of trolling Black people on Black History Month because the police exist to troll Black people. And by troll, I mean maintain a racial economic system that is built on the backs of Black people.
I’m sure the irony of decorating a vehicle used to oppress Black people with the universal symbol of fighting oppression during the month dedicated to celebrating Black people was not lost on the Miami-Dade Police Department. Much like the irony of me drinking decaf coffee to fall asleep wasn’t lost on me when I said, “But it’s decaf!” to justify drinking coffee at midnight. Decaf coffee still has a little caffeine – unlike the Miami-Dade Police Department which has a lot of racism.
The Miami-Dade police know their oppressive motor vehicle is just as racist as they are. They just hope putting a label on a car built for oppression with an anti-oppression symbol will trick us into thinking the people who drive the car are not racist. This is the equivalent of wrapping soap in a candy wrapper to trick people into eating soap.
Like the rest of the so-called United States government, the Miami-Dade Police Department treats police racism as a branding issue. They want to wrap exploitation in a pretty wrapper to pretend racism is not happening because they don’t want to end racism.
News that made me tell you the governments of China and the United States have the same values
The so-called United States government shot down a Chinese spy balloon, which the Chinese government has insisted was a weather balloon, because the United States government doesn’t like anyone except themselves spying on its citizens or anyone else. I personally don’t care whether it’s the Chinese government that’s spying on me or the United States government spying on me because they are both terrible. One thing I do care about is that both these states are vessels of worker oppression with the same values.
The United States government and Chinese government pretend like they have different values, but they don’t. They both firmly believe in worker oppression and actually help each other oppress workers. This is proven by the fact that Apple, a US company, uses exploited labour in China to manufacture their addictive devices.
I don’t know about you, but if I don’t like someone I don’t force my partner to make them banana bread to sell in their coffee shop and then give my partner a fraction of the money. In fact, even if I like someone I wouldn’t force my partner to make them banana bread. But then again I’m not a state whose purpose is to make money for corporations at all costs, which is exactly what the United States and China are.
The only reason why the United States government and the Chinese government’s relationship is currently strained is because the United States government is worried that China is getting too good at imperialism. The Chinese government is like, imperialism looks great, we want to try. The United States government is like, absolutely not, world domination and oppression are things only the United States can do, so back off!
News that made me laugh so I don’t cry
The House of Representatives in the so-called United States of America passed a resolution denouncing socialism with the majority of the democrats voting for the bill, proving once again that the only difference between Democrats and the Republicans is nothing. So if you live in the place called the United states of America and were hoping Democrats would save you from using WebMD as your primary care physician, stop waiting.
The Democrats and the Republicans are brunch buddies who definitely don’t tip their servers well. They get together every Sunday to figure out how to trick us into thinking they aren’t BFFs who get drunk together on unlimited mimosas and human rights violations.
The resolution went as far as saying that “many of the greatest crimes in history were committed by socialist ideologues” like Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, Fidel Castro, Pol Pot, Kim Jong Il, et cetera. As a libertarian socialist I agree all these people listed were terrible and should have never been in power. As a person who laughs at things so I don’t cry, I laughed very loudly at this sentence because I refuse to believe the person who wrote it did so with a straight face.
The United States of America, a country that should really be called the United States of human rights violations because it’s built on genocide, slavery, and imperialism, is the greatest perpetrator of crimes right now. I’m not saying committing crimes prevents you from calling out other people’s crimes. I’m just saying if you condemn “socialist” autocrats without condemning capitalist autocrats you actually don’t care about said crimes against humanity, you just want to be the only one who’s allowed to commit said crimes.
News that made me say, dissolve that corporation if you really care
Last year Shell, a UK-owned oil company, made its highest profit in 115 years because of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Oil companies saw Russia invading Ukraine and thought, we can’t let this opportunity to make money from people’s suffering go to waste. When the war in Ukraine started, families in the UK saw the price of energy increase because energy firms used the good ole supply and demand to explain to people why they were suffering. Turns out it wasn’t about supply and demand at all. It was about rich people getting richer off people’s pain. Wow, who would have thought a corporation would lie to make money?
Some politicians are calling for a larger windfall tax as a solution to the company making this absurd profit. Others are calling for the UK government to scrap the plan to increase the annual energy cap from £2,500 to £3,000 annually in April 2023. I’m calling for the complete dissolution of Shell as a corporation because the only solution for corporations making profits off people’s misery is to get rid of corporations. I’m also not a corporate representative.
Yes, I’m saying the reason why these politicians are not actually offering a plan that would actually end corporate greed is because they are corporate representatives. If these politicians actually cared about the people they serve instead of appearing to care, they would not only make energy free, but invest in renewable sources of energy instead of keeping a planet-destroying entity in business.
Unlike the politicians who are pretending to care, Shell’s CEO Wael Sawan is not. In fact, his response to the call for higher taxes was that “these are incredibly difficult times – we are seeing inflation rampant around the world.” Yes Wael, it’s a very difficult time for all of us because of you! You are causing the inflation to run rampant. Our difficult time leads to your wonderful time, so please do not include yourself and Shell in that “we.”
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