Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
Today I’m sharing my feelings on Joe Biden approving the Willow Project, people in Hawai’i whose water was poisoned by the US government being taxed for their relocation, Avril Lavigne not caring about the environment, and the longest cyclone ever recorded raging in southeast Africa.
Onto the news…
News that made me say Joe Biden hates polar bears
Joe Biden, a man who cares more about oil companies than people and nature, has approved theWillow Project. While it is ironically named after a tree, the Willow Project will destroy nature by allowing ConocoPhillips, an oil company, to drill for oil in Alaska.
Joe, I know we can’t agree that destroying the planet for oil companies to make more money is a bad idea. However, can we at least agree on the fact that naming a planet destroying project after a tree is tasteless? But, maybe that’s too much to ask from a man who lied that he would mitigate global climate change to win the election.
And it isn’t tasteless in name alone, it’s also tasteless in terms of the environmental damage it will cause.
The Willow Project will be located in a critical wildlife habitat which would be made endangered by the drilling. Additionally, it would release carbon emissions “equivalent to 2 million gas-powered cars” according to NPR.
So if the government knows this project is going to have terrible environmental impacts, why would Joe Biden move forward with it? I’ll answer this question with another question. Why does Jeff Bezos make his workers pee in cups? Cue song, money money money. It’s always about the money!
Joe is approving the Willow Project, whichTrump approved but was blocked by a judge, because Joe and Trump sat in the office of the president which exists to make corporations money.
News that made me realise I’m not that negative
According toTruthout, the so-called United States’ navy poisoned “the Southern O’ahu Basal Aquifer in Honolulu, a water source for 100,000 people with fuel from the Red Hill Bulk Fuel Storage Facility,” then relocated the affected people, and then taxed the people for the cost of the relocation. One of the people poisoned owes as much as $3400 in taxes.
As a person who expects all evil from the United States of America, this was even beyond my worst expectations. I guess I’m not as negative as people say I am.
Poisoning people to maintain an unnecessary military force? That’s just another Tuesday for the US government. It’s like me popping an edible before a stressful meeting. If you are reading this HR, this is a joke, I’m a comedian during my free time.
Poisoning its own “citizens” and making them pay for it? This was not on my bingo cards for what the US government is capable of.
Actually, now thinking about it for another second I realise that this happened in Hawaii, not the Upper East Side of Manhattan. The major difference between Hawai’i and the Upper East Side is colonisers live in one location and the colonised live in the other. I’ll let you guess which one.
Hence, it does in fact make sense that the US government would not only let fuel leak into Hawaii’s water supply, but also make people affected pay for it.
If you are not a white person and you live in the United States, expect to be treated how the US treats the people it colonises across the globe. Like you owe the US government for helping you rebuild your house when the US government is the one that burned your house down.
News that made me tell Avril Lavigne her music isn’t that great
Avril Lavigne kicked an activist off stage who interrupted her during the Juno Awards.
The activist was protesting against the government’s plan to build homes onOntario’s Greenbelt, the largest area of protected land in so-called Canada. Hence, one might argue that whatever Avril was going to say was a lot less important than someone telling the state to leave nature alone, but Avril didn’t seem to think so.
As someone who used to cry to Avril Lavigne’s ballads in high school while holding my journal, I’m very disappointed in Avril. This was Avril’s opportunity to prove her radicalness went beyond wearing a tie and t-shirt in the 2000s. I know it doesn’t sound radical now but Avril is the only reason why a lot of people in my high school owned a tie.
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Instead of kicking the activist off stage, Avril could have handed the activist her microphone and let them tell the masses why destroying nature is terrible. Why land back is the only way for us to be free.
Instead Avril chose to pick her terrible career over the environment. I know this sounds petty but, Avril, your songs aren’t good enough for you to not care about the environment. No one’s songs are that good.
I should have known that Avril is like most celebrities whose only purpose is to serve themselves and capitalists. Avril couldn’t take a moment to care about the environment because she’s too busy worrying about how to please her capitalist bosses who launched her into fame by tricking tweens that she was some radical teen.
This was partially our fault. We should have known anyone who views skater boys as an oppressed class is not radical at all.
News that made me very upset…it’s okay I cried about it
Over500 people in Mozambique, Malawi, and Madagascar have died from floods caused by Cyclone Freddy, a cyclone that has been raging since the end of February. If you are like me and you don’t know anything about cyclones, this is a very long time for a cyclone to be raging on.
In fact, Freddy has been going on for so long that according to Al Jazeera, “The World Meteorological Organization has convened an expert panel to determine whether Cyclone Freddy has broken the record for the longest-ever cyclone in recorded history.”
Freddy has global climate change to thank for its reign of torture. And global climate change can thank Joe Biden for making sure it gets stronger every day.
What’s upsetting about Freddy hitting these countries is that none of them gained from heating up the planet, yet they are suffering the consequences. To be clear, no one has gained from global warming other than billionaires, but the consequences of global climate change will affect the poorest people of the world the most.
That’s why billionaires are singing let it burn while some of us are writing letters to our own government who supposedly represent us to pick us over oil tycoons. The letters won’t work but burning things that are not the planet might.
I do emphasise that the people of Malawi, Madagascar, and Mozambique haven’t gained from global climate change though because all they’ve gotten is exploitation. They haven’t even gotten the lip service of low gas prices being the price for turning our home into a fireball.
I’m emphasising all this because I believe it is the responsibility of the countries that turned the planet into a fireball to pay for Freddy’s damage.
News that made me call the justice system the injustice system because that’s what it is
I’m back on TikTok and last week I talked about Sidney Holmes, a Black man who was imprisoned for 34 years for a crime he didn’t commit.