Marcela’s weekly digest: 20th December

Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news. 

My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.

This week Feel the News is coming to you live on Wednesday the 21st at 7pm at Caveat in Manhattan, NYC. Buy your tickets here. Until then, I’ll be sharing my feelings about Joe Biden imprisoning more immigrants than Trump, Goodyear giving its workers cancer, Indiana allowing citizens to defend themselves against cops, and Morocco being a coloniser. 

Onto the news…

News that made me tell you about my spiritual side

Ever since Joe Biden was elected I’ve called him a Sith Lord in a suit multiple times on and off stage. Much like the Sith Lord, it doesn’t matter what body takes up the presidency of the so-called United States of America; the Sith Lord and the president of the United States will always be the centre of evil. I call Joe the Sith Lord in a suit not just because I enjoy disrespecting politicians, which I do. I call Joe the Sith Lord because I want to remind people who celebrated Trump’s defeat that Joe is not much different from Trump.

Turns out, I need to tell myself about the similarities between Joe and Trump more because when I read this news: “the number of immigrants detained in the US has almost doubled since the beginning of the Biden administration and has been steadily increasing since then—from 14,000 to 30,000” from Prism, my spirit rejected it.

Even I, a person who spends all my time telling everyone who will listen that Biden has a standing brunch appointment with the devil, could not immediately accept Joe Biden has imprisoned more people crossing a fictitious border than Trump.

I had to ask myself, Marcela, why are you shocked that Biden’s treatment of immigrants is numerically worse than Trump? Is it because you haven’t seen AOC crying at the border while calling Joe Biden a monster like she did to Trump? The short answer is no. The long answer is too long for anyone who doesn’t have five hours to read a rant about how AOC is a tool of the corporate state camouflaged in cool white jeans.

I think the reason why I was shocked at this news is even though I intellectually understand a settler state like the United States will do evil despite its leadership, I’m always spiritually shaken by the cruelty. I know I sound like a millennial who uses horoscopes to help me determine my coffee order, but it has been spiritually impossible for me to accept that a state, which destroys people’s home and then imprisons them when they run away from home, continues to exist.

News that reminded me of the time Joe Biden declared the COVID-19 pandemic over

Goodyear, a tire company that should be called Badyear because it’s made a lot of people’s years bad, is giving its workers bladder cancer. No, Goodyear is not making the workers drink cancer water from a cup, but they might as well be because there is cancer air in Goodyear’s plant in so-called New York state. Yes, Goodyear knows about the cancer air in its Niagara Falls plant. Goodyear doesn’t care about the cancer air because Goodyear treats workers like I treat my weed grinder.

I love my grinder. One time I almost cried when I almost lost it. However, let’s be real, when my grinder stops grinding my buds into that nice smooth consistency I like, I’m replacing it. Okay, so maybe I care more about my weed grinder than Goodyear cares about its workers, but my point is Goodyear views workers as tools not people and the government is helping them get away with it.

That’s right, the United States of America’s government also knows about the cancer air at Goodyear. Specifically, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) knows that workers are being exposed to cancer causing levels of ortho-toluidine but OSHA is like, call us when there is enough cancer in the air. This is because according to OSHA (aka the United States government), having some amount of cancer in the air at a workplace is perfectly legal.

In addition to letting Goodyear poison its workers, OSHA lets Goodyear lie about it. OSHA allows Goodyear and other companies to write data sheets which are meant to detail risks to workers. OSHA does not require these data sheets to be accurate and, shocker, these data sheets have not been accurate. That’s like letting me watch a tray of cookies when I have the munchies and wondering where the cookies went.

This is not a mistake. OSHA exists to trick workers into thinking there is someone preventing the big bad corporations from eating us so workers go into unsafe workplaces they wouldn’t otherwise. OSHA does exactly what Joe Biden did when he declared the pandemic over: gaslighting us into thinking we are safe so we can keep making money for corporations while breathing in disease-laden air.

News that made me ask which part of TikTok I’m in

This week on TikTok, I ran into a video talking about a law in so-called Indiana which allows civilians to shoot the police in self defence. If you are wondering which part of TikTok I’m in, please join me in wondering and let me know if you find the answer because I’m trying to get out. Sometimes I just want to see a cute baby dance. TikTok has decided that since I don’t want the police to exist I don’t deserve to see a cute baby dance.

Nonetheless, I digress. I didn’t let myself watch the whole video because I don’t trust anything I see on TikTok except for maybe cute dancing babies. With a little research I found that in 2012 the governor of Indiana signed an NRA supported bill into law that does not exclude the police from Indiana’s Castle Doctrine. The law isn’t actually telling the people of Indiana to go around shooting cops, it’s just saying you should be able to ‘defend’ your home (aka property) from anyone including the cops.

Cops acted as if this law is giving every single citizen in Indiana double O status because cops want to be able to kill people whenever and wherever they want without pesky accountability. Additionally, as people who get away with murder by saying they felt ‘threatened’, cops understand the problematic nature of a law that gives anyone a right to kill someone simply if they ‘feel’ threatened.

Cops know that laws like Florida’s Stand Your Ground and Indiana’s Castle Doctrine exist to oppress Black people and not to keep them safe as proven by a Black woman, Marissa Alexander, being arrested for trying to protect herself under the Stand Your Ground in Florida. Cops just don’t want to be treated like Black people because they know how they treat Black people.

Looks like the best way to get rid of these racist laws is just to include the cops in them.

News that made me bring up the World Cup… again

The World Cup is over and I’m happy. I no longer have to make people feel uncomfortable for watching it when they bring it up to me. Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy making people uncomfortable by ruining things they love. I didn’t enjoy watching the joy disappear from someone’s face when I told them I don’t watch the world cup because FIFA has been exploiting workers long before Qatar. I really want you to believe me because I’m about to destroy whatever joy you may have in your soul regarding Morocco making it to the quarterfinals.

I get it, Morocco was the first African team to make it to the quarterfinals and when someone does well at sports we forget about other terrible things they do. However, I just can’t let you celebrate the state of Morocco while avoiding the fact that Morocco is a settler state who is besties with Israel and the United States.

Despite being told to get out multiple times, Morocco has continued to occupy Western Sahara, the home of Saharawi people, since 1975. The thing about settlers is that when you tell them to get out, all they hear is keep oppressing us and invite your settler friends to help you exploit us. That’s exactly what Morocco did.

In 2020, the United States, under the vile guidance of Donald Trump, told Morocco it would recognise Western Sahara as Morocco’s territory if Morocco agreed to be friends with Israel. Morocco said yes, despite the fact that in the past Morocco refused friendly relations with Israel because of the whole genocide thing in Palestine. I guess Morocco is okay with genocide as long as they are gaining from it? Hypocrite much?

Many of the Saharawi have been displaced as refugees while Morocco, the United States of America, and Europe profit from the natural resources in their homeland. So next time someone tells you that Morocco made history by assembling people who are good at kicking the ball, tell them Morocco isn’t just good at soccer, it’s also good at colonising.

News that made me talk about forests and terrorism

I talked about how defending a forest is being considered an act of terror by the City of Atlanta. I’m shadowbanned on TikTok, something I’m starting to take pride in. 

@feelthenewswithmarcela Defending a forest is beautiful and tearing down a forest is objectively bad. Come to my comedy show this Wednesday too. #atlanta #news #leftist ♬ original sound – Feel the News

I’m taking a break from telling you about the news until next year. See ya in 2023, 

Marcela