Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
I’m sharing my feelings about Joe Biden building a wall, Joe Biden supporting the genocide in Palestine, and Waffle House workers asking for a higher pay.
Onto the news…
News that made me ask why Joe Biden isn’t a Republican
Joe Biden, a man who breaks campaign promises like my husband breaks drinking glasses, has broken yet another campaign promise. This time Joe Biden is breaking the promise to not build a wall on the so-called United States-Mexican border.
Remember that was supposedly the main difference between Trump and Joe. One of them wanted a wall and the other one didn’t. Well, turns out they both did, but only one of them was screaming “BUILD A WALL” with his fanatics. I know it’s really cringey knowing you live in a world where Trump told the truth about something that Joe lied about. However, this is dystopia so everything is possible.
The border will not just be terrible for people migrating – which, by the way is a perfectly human thing. People have migrated for as long as people have existed, but now the fascists are trying to make it seem like a terrible thing. What’s next, making the right to live somewhere and have food sound like terrible things? Oh wait, they’ve already done that.
Which begs the question: What’s the point of having environmental and cultural protections if they can just be ignored? Doesn’t that mean those protections actually don’t exist? But that’s a story for another time when I have 500 pages to write about why no one has any rights in a fascist settler state.
Joe Biden is willing to continue genocide against Indigenous people and threaten endangered animals just so he can stop people from migrating. Looks like republicans don’t even have to have to vote for Trump to get the things that Trump offers. Does the republican party need another candidate because I think Joe might give Trump a run for his money. Just kidding, Joe Biden doesn’t need to run in the republican party to be a fascist because the democrats and republicans are just one party pretending to be mortal enemies.
Joe Biden is claiming he didn’t want to build the wall, congress made him do it! Congress didn’t make Joe build the wall. Sure they allocated the money to build the wall, but Joe is making it so much easier for them by waiving protections that would delay the wall.
That’s like telling your mom you didn’t mean to throw a party when she was out of town when she comes home early and finds your bestie doing a keg stand in the kitchen. You’d say, they made me do it, they gave me money for the keg! Sure I told them you’d be out of town and left the door open, but it totally isn’t my fault!
News that made me wish someone could be like Jay-Z
The Israeli minister of defence, Yoav Gallant, said there would be a total blockade of Gaza, cutting off access to food, electricity, and fuel. Then he referred to the Palestinians living in Gaza as human animals. Now I don’t know if you all know this but food is essential for human survival. So Yoav literally went on TV to declare genocide as casually as Jay-Z announced one of his retirements.
Unlike Jay-Z who never retires despite saying he was going to, Israel is committing genocide after saying it would commit genocide. Israel is murdering civilians in Gaza and not letting them escape. If only Israel would be more like Jay-Z. As an anti-capitalist human I’d never thought I’d be telling anyone to be more like Jay-Z, but here I am.
Of course Joe Biden, or should I call him genocide supporter in chief, proclaimed unwavering support for the genocide because the US government is covering the tab for the genocide. The US is like that one toxic friend who will beat you up for not letting their friend beat you up. Which means if you live in the United States of America and you go to a job that you don’t like and you pay taxes with that job, you are suffering to pay for genocide.
No, the genocide didn’t just start this week. It’s been going on for a while. So this whole time you’ve been working (if it’s after 1951) your paycheck has been paying for brunch and genocide.
I’m talking about the 3.8 billion dollars in military aid the US gives to Israel annually to commit genocide daily. By the way, as noted by Em Cohen, “Biden has repeatedly made clear that the US supports Israel due to its value as a military asset and strategic ally in the region” – not because of any pro-Jewish (or pro-any people) sentiment. It’s absolutely on brand for the United States of America to pay for genocide and not pay for universal health care for its own citizens. This country was founded on murder not healing.
The United States has always been pro-genocide because it wouldn’t exist without genocide. Just like I’m pro-nap because I wouldn’t exist without naps. Naps are good which makes my existence good but genocide is very bad which makes the United States’ existence bad. Bad meaning it’s a tyrannical white supremacist state that will do anything to control land for the purpose of enriching white men.
The United States doesn’t support Israel because it cares about people having a right to defend themselves. If the United States cared about people being able to defend themselves, it would get rid of itself.
The existence of a friend in the Middle East makes it so much easier for the US to carry out its hobby of causing mayhem in the Middle East for profit. Even Joe Biden said it himself. If Israel didn’t exist, the US would have to create an Israel to support US interests in the region. Yes, that is actual footage of the president of the United States of America saying genocide is good if we get what we want out of it. Okay, he didn’t say that word for word, but I’m pretty good at analysing the meaning behind words – I had a really good English teacher in the 12th grade.
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Waffle House workers in the south of the so-called United States of America arewalking out of work demanding higher pay, an end to working during natural disasters, and the end of automatic meal deductions from their paycheck. Very few things make me happier than seeing workers walking out of the workplace to demand better treatment. The only thing that would make me happier is if workers walked out of their jobs, started a commune, and divested from capitalism. But then again, who hasn’t fantasised about the destruction of capitalism? I would even settle for the workers of Waffle House taking over Waffle House.
The workers of Waffle House are demanding a $25 minimum wage, which they argue is not a lot to ask for – and I agree. The capitalists who own Waffle House should be very grateful that’s all the workers are asking for instead of tearing down Waffle House for stealing their labour.
Let’s be clear: all corporations steal our labour by keeping profits from the work we do. The people who work at Waffle House generate all the income for the company. They should get the billions of dollars they make for the company instead of the son of the founder of Waffle House who doesn’t even know how to make waffles. If you don’t know how to make waffles, you shouldn’t be worth $1.7bn while the people who make waffles struggle. Honestly, no one should be worth $1.7bn, even if they know how to make their own waffles.
In addition to paying workers poorly, Waffle House automatically deducts money for meals from workers’ paychecks. The owners of Waffle House should be really happy there are no people with pitchforks outside their homes. Stealing more from someone who you’ve already stolen from is a pitchfork-deserving violation. However, the workers are only demanding for the stealing to stop. This is good but not enough.
I think the people who work at Waffle House should get to feed whoever they want for free for as long as they work at Waffle House. They are the ones making the waffles, not the billionaire CEO who has seen the inside of a yacht more than the inside of a kitchen.
Finally, the workers of Waffle House are demanding they don’t risk their lives to serve customers waffles during a hurricane. Waffle House takes pride in staying open during Armageddon such that the Waffle House Index is used as a measure to determine the severity of storms. I bet you if the CEO of Waffle house had to work during storms he wouldn’t take so much pride in the fact that Waffle Housenever closes. That’s why only the people who work somewhere should get to decide when the place is open.
In conclusion, the owners of Waffle House should be grateful workers are asking for the bare minimum and not taking what they are actually owed. Which is everything!
See ya later,
What can you do?
Please don’t forget about the people of Palestine. See if there are any rallies in your city and go.