Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live in Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
I’m sharing my feelings about a Black woman Niana Finlayson being killed by police, so-called Israel assassinating Palestinian journalists and the so-called US Supreme Court agreeing to determine whether homeless people can have pillows in public.
Onto the news…
News that made me say we need to abolish the state
Ty Shelton, a state-sponsored murderer from the Los Angeles sheriff’s department (LASD), murdered a Black woman, Niani Finlayson, in her home. Niani called the sheriff’s office to save her from her abusive ex-partner. Ty previously murdered a Black man in his home proving that if you aspire to be a serial killer, the best career choice for you is to be a state-sponsored murderer, AKA cop.
Serial killers’ greatest concern is being arrested for killing people. However, if you are a state-sponsored murderer, you don’t have to be worried about your passion being interrupted by an arrest. Your crimes can be caught on camera and not only do you not get arrested, but you also get to keep your job. An additional perk is that the government also pays for your murder weapon.
Niani was murdered right next to her daughter by Ty Shelton because Ty Shelton is a murderer who has contempt for Black people. I say this with full confidence because the gang which Ty Shelton was recruited into has a history of harming Black women.
The LASD being racist isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows about policing in the so-called United States of America. Racism is the main ingredient of every single police department in the country like sugar is the main ingredient in sugar cookies. Without sugar, sugar cookies wouldn’t exist, which would be really sad because I love them. Without racism, police wouldn’t exist, which would make me very happy because I hate them.
The police were literally created to hunt down and enslave Black people so can we please abolish them already?
The only way to end these heartbreaking murders by state-sponsored murderers is to get the state to stop sponsoring them. The state paying for the police is like the state paying Jefferey Dahmer. Most of Jefferey Dahmer’s victims were Black and that’s why he got away with killing so many people. I’m surprised the Milwaukee police arrested him instead of giving him a badge or making him the head of police.
The state is obviously not going to willingly stop sponsoring murderers because these murderers help maintain the racial-socioeconomic hierarchy that pays for Bill Gates’ ugly khakis. You know the people who work for Bill Gates hate him because no one cares enough to tell him his khakis are unsightly. Bill Gates and other capitalists pay the politicians who run the state. Hence, the only way to get the state to stop paying our murderers is to abolish the state.
News that made me tell you I don’t pay for the bus
Two Palestinian journalists, Hamza Dahdouh and Mustafa Thuraya, were targeted and murdered by the occupying Israeli government in Gaza. I say targeted because a missile directly hit their vehicle. This wasn’t a mistake: this was an assassination. Israel has been murdering journalists to prevent them from telling the truth because they know the truth will show Israel for what it is: a genocidal state.
I still couldn’t believe it when I read that a government murdered two journalists with a missile and it’s not the only thing being talked about on CNN. I don’t watch CNN because it’s lies sandwiched between pharmaceutical commercials. Let’s be honest, all Western corporate news lies sandwiched between pharmaceutical commercials. However, I’m assuming CNN isn’t talking about the assassination because none of the liberals are crying about it on twitter.
Remember when the journalist Jamal Khashoggi was murdered and his death was covered just as much as Taylor Swift’s tour? I couldn’t turn around without hearing how terrible it was that the dictator of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed bin Salman (MBS), murdered a journalist. Of course the then elected dictator of the so-called United States didn’t do anything about the murder because Trump probably looks up to MBS.
However, the Western media constantly questioned whether Trump would do something – which is hilarious because Trump hates journalists. It’s like asking me if I’m going to do something when I see someone jumping the turnstile to not pay for the subway. Yeah, I’ll do something. I’ll cheer them on.
Once elected, Joe Crow, I mean Joe Biden, pretended to care about Khashoggi’s murder by placing a visa ban and sanctions on the people who killed Khashoggi. Of course Joe didn’t sanction MBS because mass murderers usually stick together. Genocide Joe isn’t even pretending to care about the obvious assassination of Hamza Dahdouh and Mustafa Thuraya. There will be no visa bans on the people who murdered these journalists. Those murderers will probably get a free trip to so-called NYC to train the NYPD.
One would think if the assassination of one journalist rightfully garnered so much outrage, the assassination of over one hundred journalists would lead to even more anger. One would think this if they are not familiar with coloniser calculus. Coloniser calculus says life only matters if it belongs to a coloniser or it doesn’t stand in the coloniser’s way to colonise. I have never taken coloniser calculus, unlike Joe Biden, but I’m starting to learn how it works.
The Western media – which pretends to care about free press as much as I pretend I don’t know I’m supposed to pay for the bus – is not even pretending to care about the assassination of journalists in Gaza. They are not asking about what consequences the government of Israel will face for murdering other journalists.
These journalists are very well-versed in coloniser journalism, which is a prerequisite to getting a job in any Western publication. Coloniser journalism 101 says the Palestinian journalists are not Western journalists’ counterparts because Palestinian journalists make it harder for Western journalists to hide Israel’s crimes.
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News that made me tell you the real meaning of America the Beautiful
The supreme court has agreed to listen to a case that would decide whether homeless people can exist in public.
The city of Grants Pass in so-called Oregon wants to make homeless people disappear but a pesky court ruling is preventing them from doing that. The city is now turning to the Supreme Court to overturn the ruling that says displacing homeless people without giving them shelter is cruel and unusual punishment.
Surprisingly, cruel and unusual punishment is illegal under the so-called United States of America’s constitution. Which is why the United States of America likes to make cruelty as usual as possible. When they sing “America the Beautiful”, they don’t mean beautiful in character, they mean beautiful in coming up with new ways to harm vulnerable people.
The city of Grants Pass doesn’t want homeless people to disappear into homes. No, no, that would be too humane. The city wants to ticket homeless people for using blankets, pillows, and tents in order to make themselves comfortable while sleeping outside in public spaces. Can you imagine seeing someone without a home and thinking, I know how I can make your life a whole lot worse? I can’t, but Grants Pass’ motto is apparently: Sleeping outside is not bad enough, how about we take away your pillow.
I’m not surprised that a city in this evil empire is trying to make homeless people disappear instead of putting them in homes. This is the same empire that is bombing a country for trying to prevent genocide. I’m talking about Biden bombing Yemen because Yemen had the nerve to say we don’t think it’s okay to murder people for existing.
When people governing a place are cruel enough to fund the murder of people, they are definitely cruel enough to say no pillows for homeless people. Sometimes I wonder if Satan is looking at the people who govern the so-called United States of America and tears up with pride. Or maybe Satan is like wow, that’s even too evil for me.
What’s extra American about this situation is that both Democrats and Republicans are on board with the city of Grants Pass’ cruelty. Both Democrats and Republicans are blaming the existence of homeless encampments on not being able to clear these encampments. When anyone who cares about humans knows the easiest way to get rid of homeless encampments is to give people a home. However, we all know that not caring about humans is a prerequisite to being a politician in this country.
I would like to clarify that I’m not the only person who says giving people homes is the solution to homelessness. The National Homelessness Law Center agrees with me that housing is actually “an evidence based way” to end homelessness. I feel the need to clarify this because apparently saying ending homelessness can be resolved by providing a home is as wild as saying ending sobriety can be resolved by smoking marijuana.
Politicians in this country like to pretend that solving easy problems are so complicated because at the end of the day they fundamentally believe it’s morally right to make people suffer so other people can make money.