Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
I’m sharing my feelings about an Israeli settler killing a Palestinian man , activists blocking a bomb shipment to Palestine, and the US calling for deescalation on the Congo-Rwanda border .
Onto the news…
News that made me say occupying Israel and the so-called United States of America are siblings
A Palestinian man, Bilal Saleh was shot and killed by an Israeli settler while harvesting olives in the occupied West Bank. The occupying Israeli army stood by and watched because just like the US army, the occupying Israeli army’s job is to facilitate colonialism while pretending to be the good guys.
The settlement of Israel is following in the footsteps of its older sibling, the United States of America. Both the settlement of Israel and the so-called the United States of America were spawned by the OG coloniser Britain and you can tell.
You know when you meet a really horrible person and you are like how did you turn out like that? then you meet their parents and you are like now that makes sense. So-called Israel and the United States are just like Donald Trump’s children, you can tell they came from a white supremacist.
The United States has taken good care of its little sibling, settler Israel, teaching it the important values of white supremacy like genocide, apartheid, and lying that you are a democracy when you are clearly an authoritarian white supremacist ethnostate.
The so-called US and Israel are like those siblings that everyone is always saying you look so alike. Meanwhile Britain is that proud parent that cheers its children on while the rest of us watch in horror. By the rest of us, I mean not Amy Schumer.
All you have to do is replace ‘Palestinian man’ with ‘Black man’ and ‘Israeli settlers’ with ‘white person’ and this headline could have happened anywhere in the United States of America. Replace Palestinian man with Indigenous man and this headline could have happened today, or the 1700s, or the 1800s, or any time white people have been in North America.
If you want to understand how the United States of America came to be a white supremacist hell hole and don’t like reading, just look at what the occupying government of Israel is doing now. It’s horrific and should stop, but the United States of America is looking at this genocide thinking awww, my baby sibling is just like me, here’s more money.
Israeli settlers have been terrorising Palestinians for as long as they’ve been in Palestine because they’ve learned from the best. Britain gives a settler manual to its children every single time it creates another settlement. The United States of America has been publishing new editions of the manual ever since its existence and occupying Israel has been learning it off by heart.
This year, Palestinians in the West Bank have experienced an uptick in settler violence. In fact on 6th October Israeli settlers attacked a Palestinian town killing one person, Labib Dumaidi. To which the Israeli military used a play from the settler manual chapter titled “blame the oppressed”. The military said the man was murdered because he threw a brick at a vehicle. I know that doesn’t make sense but colonisers don’t have to make sense, see chapter of the settler manual titled “you don’t have to make sense because you have power”.
Again this incident sounds like something that has happened in the United States multiple times. Which means if you are supporting the state of Israel, you are a fan of Jim Crow, genocide, and apartheid.
Someone needs to tell the BBC and CNN that. No need to tell Joe Biden. He already knows and he approves.
News that reminded me I used to drink dirty beer
75 youth activists blocked the entrance of a Boeing building in so-called St. Charles, Missouri to prevent the delivery of bombs to Palestine. I’m very proud of these youth activists for doing what they can do to stop the genocide in Palestine.
When I was their age I was attempting to perfect the craft of throwing a ping pong ball into a plastic cup of dirty beer to win beer pong games. So I’m inspired by their decision to spend their days preventing a weapons manufacturer from killing more people instead of drinking dirty beer. We can all learn from these youth activists, who said: “until Congress blocks the bombs, we will.”
Congress is not here to make our lives good or prevent genocide, they are here to go viral on Twitter and make money for corporations. That’s why they can agree to fund the military and not anything we, the people, find useful.
Never in my life have I ever ever woken up in the morning and thought, you know what I need more of? Bombs. I’ve not talked to a lot of other people about their need for bombs in their daily life but I’m sure most of them will agree that it’s not a necessity. Most people would love to not worry about food, housing, and healthcare. Yet congress continues to fund bomb makers because those are their real bosses.
We shouldn’t expect the financiers of the bomb makers to block the bombs. That’s like asking someone who paid for a rager to shut down their rager. They are not going to do it. The United States’ imperialism depends on war because people will not happily give up their homes and lives to colonisers. People won’t even tolerate their roommates eating their yoghourt.
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So yes, if you want other people’s property, which is literally the United States’ brand, you have to force them. Bombs, unlike universal healthcare, are very effective at forcing people to do things they don’t want to do and that’s why they shouldn’t be built. The only bombs that we need are bath bombs.
That’s why it’s so important for us to be inspired by these youth activists. Congress might fund the bombs but members of Congress don’t actually work. Unless you count Marjorie Taylor Greene spewing nonsense into a mic as work. Congress doesn’t work in the factories that make the bombs or deliver the bombs. We do! I mean not me specifically, I mean we as the people. Most of my work involves trying to make sad things funny and eating flour tortillas from the bag.
Nonetheless, we the people have the power to stop not just the Palestinian genocide, but the Congolese genocide and imperialism everywhere if we decide we want to block the bombs and other weapons.
These activists were able to prevent the day’s shipment of bombs from leaving Boeing which proves that we do have power.
News that made me say genociders shouldn’t get money for guns
Anthony Blinken, the so-called US Secretary of State (or the war criminal mascot, as I like to call him), has called for Rwanda and Congo to de-escalate the conflict which has resulted in the displacement of millions of civilians. This is very funny, because Anthony is a war criminal mascot who dances around so he can distract people from war crimes being done by the United States.
The United States provides military funding to Rwanda. Rwanda has been funding the M23 militia who is one of the militia groups displacing and harming people in Congo. Now the United States war criminal mascot is doing a little dance to pretend that the US hasn’t funded a genocide by saying hey there, don’t do the violence we paid for. It’s like the mascots in a football game dancing around to distract people from the fact that the players are getting concussions. It doesn’t matter how hard you dance there weird costumed person, I know what’s happening on the field and it’s not good.
Technically, United States isn’t funding the genocide anymore because Joe Biden, aka genocider in Chief, stopped providing military assistance to Rwanda over its funding of M23 in October. The United States also stopped providing military assistance to Rwanda in 2013 over its support of M23 but reverted the funding in 2015. Which means the United States knew Rwanda was carrying out genocide but continued to give the country military assistance anyway.
I for one am a firm believer in people changing and getting second chances. However, this can apply to things like your partner eating the last cookie when they knew you really wanted it, not people committing genocide. I think it’s fair to say once you’ve committed genocide once, you don’t get any more money for guns.
However, the United States isn’t actually interested in ending genocide; it just wants to be seen as being interested in ending genocide. Just like I wanted to be seen as being interested in not falling asleep during my 8am classes in college. If the United States didn’t want to fund genocide, it would simply stop providing military aid to Rwanda and honestly every country in the world.
So, why is the US supporting genocide? To steal people’s things. The answer for why the United States is ever doing anything is always to steal people’s things.
This country was founded by people who stole other people’s things and then stole people to work on the stolen land. So stealing people is pretty much the United State’s sole purpose for existence. Which makes my purpose, always calling out the stealing while eating a large bowl of chips. Trust me, when you spend a lot of your time typing and screaming the government is evil, you need the chips.
Congo is rich in minerals like cobalt which power our phones. Congo is pretty much a treasure chest if you are a monster who thinks things are more important than people. The United States being the monster I previously described is arming Rwanda in order to create conflict in Congo so US corporations can steal minerals and Congolese labour. Why pay for anything if you can steal it, is one of the United States’ very many slogans.
Last week on TikTok I posted a video of a joke I made about the United Nations two years ago which is still applicable.