A week of police violence in student encampments, a Black child in Louisiana being held in prison and a billionaire threatening to stop funding Columbia

Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live in Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news. 

My newsletter has evolved into this beautiful news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.

I’m sharing my feelings about a billionaire threatening to stop funding Columbia University, cops violently sweeping student solidarity encampments in NYC and a Black girl in so-called Louisiana being held in prison. 

Onto the news… 

News from the dentist’s office on May Day

I’m writing this as I sit in the waiting room, waiting to be seen by a dentist. My two front teeth were broken last night when the police launched a barricade towards a crowd of City College of New York (CCNY) students. I didn’t expect my night or morning to be like this. I was planning on making today’s column about Columbia students giving Hamilton Hall a makeover by renaming it to Hind Hall. The Columbia students were brutally arrested when the police raided the hall. The students at CCNY were also brutally arrested and their encampment was swept. 

I’m mindlessly scrolling on Twitter because what else do you do when you are sitting in a waiting room, teeth throbbing, not knowing when a dentist will see you. Twitter is my pain reliever right now. 

I see a tweet stating that it’s not a surprise that the “NYPD raided CCNY and Columbia as Rafah is being attacked.” Of course it’s not a surprise. Hiding violence by perpetrating more violence is a strategy. It’s the pick and roll for fascists. Sorry, that’s the only sports play I know. We all know that the world “leaders” get in a room and discuss how they are going to oppress us and trick us into being oppressed, right? They have to nudge Joe Biden to wake up every five minutes, but he has been evil for so long he can literally do evil in his sleep. 

As Rafah is being destroyed, students are being brutalised by the police and free police interns. Free police interns are what I call fascists who do fascism for the love of it, not for the pay. The fascists attacked the UCLA encampment as the police looked on because you don’t interrupt your intern when they are doing a fine job. You let them learn on the job. It’s like that scene in the Devil Wears Prada when Miranda Priestly gives Andrea Sachs a smirk of approval when she makes her her first assistant. Devils love their demons. 

They just called someone’s name and I hope I’m next. 

I went to the CCNY encampment because a friend of mine and adjunct professor at CUNY invited me. Before I walked to the encampment I saw beautiful banners exclaiming solidarity with Gaza. I walked into the encampment and I realised I was hungry. Seeing a tent with red pepper hummus sandwiches, my heart skipped. I love hummus, I love bread. You put those two things together, add some pickles, I will be your best friend forever.

Once I ate my sandwich, I realised I was cold. I got some hot tea. Then I listened to a choir with my friend. Everything was free, everyone was friendly; it was the paradise I dream of every day. This is the world I want to live in. A world where everyone is taken care of. 

The NYPD came and destroyed that world after they broke my teeth because their job is to make sure we live in a world where nobody feels safe and no one is ever taken care of. They are literally the fun police and if you love fun, you have to fight them until they are abolished.

News that made me say get that man a dictionary

Robert Kraft, a billionaire and owner of the American football team New England Patriots, stated he would halt funding to Columbia University due to the student uprising against the pro-genocide school administration. 

I’m not surprised that a man who makes money from men concussing themselves for entertainment would be pro-genocide. That would be like being surprised that Joe Biden doesn’t have a soul. Kraft will, however, continue funding the building with his name because rich people like to see their names on large structures.

Kraft claims the pro-Palestinian student protests demanding Columbia’s divestment from so-called Israel is anti-Semitic. Someone give that man a dictionary! I thought an Ivy League education was supposed to prepare you for success in this capitalist hell hole by teaching you the meaning of simple words like anti-Semitism.

To be clear, there is nothing anti-Semitic about protesting your university’s support for a genocidal state. Many of the students demanding the end of Columbia’s relationship with Israel are Jewish. 

Of course Kraft didn’t care about the safety of Jewish students protesting genocide when the NYPD arrested them for exercising their right to protest. Why would he? He literally runs a plantation; plantation owners don’t have the reputation for fancying uprisings. Yes, the NFL is a plantation, just look who does the work and who owns the workers. Stop letting the dancing mascots distract you.

I know I’m projecting. I haven’t watched a football game since I found out about CTE, but when I did I always focused on the mascots because they are creepy. Now that I look back it’s very horrifying, a costumed person dancing around while people give each other brain damage on the field. How can you cheer for brain damage? In the same way we fund genocide! Someone is making money from it! That’s what the football cheerleaders should be chanting. 

The reason why Columbia and other universities who have clamped down on students demanding their institutions of learning become morally sound is because these institutions are beholden to morally bankrupt individuals who profit from suffering. These universities are a microcosm of the world we live in. A world where the morally bankrupt claim to be morally sound and any demand from the populace that immorality ends is met with violence. How dare you demand that we stop profiting from death, how rude! Don’t you have a game of flip cup to play! 

The president of Columbia has threatened to send the national guard in if the student encampment does not disband because the national guard is here to guard us from freedom! This escalation is exactly what the state does when the populace refuses to step down from their demands of freedom. We saw similar escalations during the George Floyd uprising.

The institutions built to serve capitalists will always meet demands for freedom with violence. Violence is their beer pong and they will fight you if you dare to end their party. Which is why I keep saying and I will continue to say this until it happens. WE SHOULD STOP PARTICIPATING IN THEIR WORLD. STOP GOING TO THE FASCISTS GAMES, STOP GOING TO THE FASCIST SCHOOLS.

News that made me share my tween crush

An 11 year old girl is currently being held at Lafayette Juvenile Detention Center in Louisiana for obstructing justice. The organisers demanding her release are asking how an 11 year old can obstruct justice and I have the exact same question. Did she throw crayons at the cops? If she did, she probably had her reasons. Never saw a cop who didn’t deserve to have crayons thrown at them. Did she leave her juice box at a crime scene? I’m asking because what type of world do we live in where we are sending children to prison. 

It’s a world where racism is legal and low rise jeans might be coming back. I know low rise jeans should be at the bottom of my list of concerns, but I was very triggered when someone informed me they are trying to rear their ugly head. I just wanted to warn you if you didn’t know already. Hold on tight to your high rise jeans because they might stop selling them soon and you will have to live in constant fear of having people see your butt. 

Now stop worrying about people seeing your butt and focus on the topic at hand. The 11 year old girl who has been incarcerated for over 140 days is a Black girl. Of course she’s a Black girl. When you imagine a little girl being imprisoned, you don’t imagine young Dakota Fanning. There is a higher likelihood of Joe Biden developing a soul than there is for a white girl being kidnapped and imprisoned for months by the state. 

The girl was initially charged with murder, but the charges were dropped to obstruction of justice in a plea deal. Based on the plea deal, she’ll serve seven years in prison. The girl didn’t kill anyone, but also she’s 11 YEARS OLD. My apologies, I’m trying to give a thoughtful analysis of this news but I just can’t get over the fact that an 11 year old is being sentenced to prison! When I was 11, I was a WWE fan and I thought it was real. I had a huge crush on Shawn Michaels and I thought Booker T, the wrestler, was related to Booker T. Washington. Someone who is capable of these thoughts should not ever be put in a cage for any reason. 

Actually no one should ever be put in a cage for anything. I do not have the time to go into depth of how prisons actually don’t solve societal ills. I do have time to say this though. If prisons were actually here to keep us safe from dangerous people, how come Benjamin Netanyahu, Joe Biden, and the entire IOF are running around freely? The most dangerous people are not in prison, they are running countries and hosting podcasts. I’m talking about you Joe Rogan. I’ve actually never listened to Joe’s podcast, but enough toxic men have quoted him for me to assume it’s bad. 

The girl’s family is rallying at the Iberia Parish Courthouse on 8th May to rally for her release. If you are in Louisiana and are able to attend, please join them.

I rewrote a popular song to talk about police violence.

@feelthenewswithmarcela Come feel the news this me this Saturday at Friends ans Lovers in Brooklyn. #cops #comedy #standup #acab #feelthenews #cuny #columbia ♬ original sound – Feel the News

See ya later,

Marcela