My co-worker makes me uncomfortable

Dear Overworked and Over Work,

Unfortunately, having boundaries crossed in the workplace is an all too relatable experience. For me, it was a high school job at a local restaurant where my manager was always trying to take me out clubbing, and an adult co-worker had a “crush” on my teenage best friend. Sometimes you don’t notice these things while they’re actively happening. 

Even in salaried positions I held as I got older, I fell for the “we’re a family” line often used in startup environments to exploit employees into overextending themselves. Your co-workers are not your family and they’re not your friends (unless you happen to work with family or friends). And even if they were, commenting negatively on your appearance is just unkind. 

What you’re experiencing is beyond unkind – it’s uncomfortable. It seems like you’re having an internal battle around whether this behaviour fits under the umbrella of sexual harassment, and I have a couple of responses. 

The first is that sexual harassment doesn’t exist in a vacuum, but is a component of rape culture. Its definition is fluid, and like most other things is not always black and white. Regardless of whether your coworker’s intentions are sexuality-related, that he would find himself in a position to think it okay to comment on your appearance is a reflection of social power dynamics between you two. The second is that I would worry less about the label in terms of validating your own feelings about this. They are already valid. 

I would also advise you to worry less about being “too late” to take action. There’s no statute of limitations! I get that this concern likely comes from a place of kindness on your part, no one wants to tell someone that the thing they’ve been doing for over a year is not okay. We may overburden ourselves, even in situations where we are the party being harmed. Ask yourself though, what would you tell a friend who found themselves in the exact same situation? Perhaps that they’re preserving the feelings of another at their own expense? Perhaps that they need to put themselves first this time?

You do have options. The textbook response would be to go to whoever handles human relations at your workplace and explain the situation to them. Realistically though, I could imagine that to you this may feel a bit punitive, especially if you’re already feeling like the interaction is ambiguous in how appropriate/inappropriate it is. You could start by re-establishing boundaries with this coworker, which need not be as intimidating as it might seem at first. Examples include:

It’s About Discomfort

“I know you mean well, but comments about my appearance make me a bit uncomfortable.”

Not outright saying that his comments make you uncomfortable, but that those types of comments do, which could come across as less personal. This also centres your feelings as opposed to him breaking any sort of rule or protocol, no one can get mad at you for feeling your feelings!

Using Humour 

“I’m pretty sure my outfit isn’t on today’s agenda!”

Perhaps not as clear of a message, but a comment like this could be an entry point to making a similar comment if he ever does it again.

Good Intentions 

“I appreciate the thought, but I’d prefer not to focus on appearance at work.”

Sometimes when people hurt you or make you uncomfortable, their first response is to remind you that they meant well. If this person does mean no harm, it still stands that intent is not the same as impact. You can beat them to the punch by reminding them so; your intentions may be good but your impact… not so much. 

Get Back to Work

“Thanks, but let’s stick to work topics – it helps me stay focused.”

(You’re in a workplace to work, duh!)

Something I teach students about boundaries as a sex educator is that you cannot control others’ actions, we can only communicate what we will tolerate. That being said, if none of these things make a difference, you might want to consider speaking with a trusted colleague, a hotline, or going to HR, and you should definitely consider beginning to take notes recording about each incident in case they escalate. 

Your instincts are telling you a boundary has been crossed for a reason, and regardless of how uncomfortable speaking up may be, you have every right to be comfortable in your workplace. Whether you choose a direct approach or a more subtle one, the goal is the same: prioritising your own comfort and wellbeing.

Good luck!

Tara