Marcela’s Weekly Digest: 11th October 2022

Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news. 

My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.

This week, I share my feelings on Canada calling out the United States for being awful to immigrants, Joe Biden pretending to care about people in prison for marijuana possession,  Colorado running out of water and two Indigenous women being elected to the Brazilian congress. 

News that made me tell you I don’t like Barack Obama

This week the place called Canada has seen the way the place known as the United States of America treats people seeking asylum and refugees and said: we have lots of notes. 

Canadian immigrant advocates are telling the Canadian supreme court to end the deal that sends refugees coming to Canada from the US back to the US, because the US is not a good place for refugees. 

Duh! Of course the US is not a good place for refugees. The words on the Statue of Liberty (Give me your tired, your poor; Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free; The wretched refuse of your teeming shore) mean the exact opposite of what they say – just like everything in the United States of America. 

For example, here in the United States, when they say you have ‘freedom to assemble’, what they really mean is that you have freedom to assemble as long as the police say it’s okay for you to assemble. It’s opposite-day every day here at the centre of the empire. 

Obviously the only reason why Canada was ever okay with such a deal is because Canada isn’t a great place for immigrants either. 

You don’t sign a deal with the devil unless you kinda like what the devil is doing. Sure Canada doesn’t get as much attention as the United States when it comes to mistreating immigrants, but that doesn’t mean Canada isn’t awful to immigrants. Just because Michelle didn’t get as much attention as Beyonce doesn’t mean she wasn’t part of Destiny’s Child. 

Canada always tries to pretend like it’s better than the United States of America when it’s part of the same fraternity. 

Canada is that one guy in the frat who is always trying to pretend like he is the good guy in the frat before he forces some underclassman to go buy him a burger at 3am on a Monday night, in a winter storm. 

Of course I’m happy that Canada is calling the United States out because I love watching villains fight. My favourite part of any superhero movie is when the superheroes fight each other. Yes, superheroes are cops and you should not like them.

What doesn’t make me happy is borders. I hate borders because they shouldn’t exist and they are racist. It’s the same reason why I will never like any president of the United States. Including Barack Obama. 

News that made me use a very extended basketball metaphor

Joe Biden, a man who will never do anything to make me happy, this week pardoned people who are in federal prison for marijuana drug possessions. 

Now some people are proud of Joe for simply shooting the basketball – even though the basketball was never close to the net, nor did Joe intend on shooting that basketball into the net. 

I’m not. I’m still angry at Joe. I’m not angry with Joe for being bad at basketball, I’m angry with Joe because he is pretending that he wants to play basketball when he is clearly not interested in playing basketball at all. 

If Joe was bad at playing basketball but he actually wanted to play, I would be his number one supporter. 

I’m using the basketball metaphor to refer to Joe’s pretence that no one should be in prison for marijuana possession. Of course, I could go into how that statement alone is wrong and no one should be in prison but let’s focus on why Joe’s statement is a lie. 

Joe Biden doesn’t care about people being in prison for marijuana possession: he cares about winning the midterm election. 

If you are not familiar with how US “democracy” works, let me take a moment to explain. There are two parties, the Democrats and the Republicans, who both work for corporations. The Democrats pretend to be nicer, but they are part of the same team whose goal is to keep Bezos in fancy yachts and Amazon workers peeing in plastic bottles. 

However, when the election comes, the Democrats want to pretend that they are nicer than the Republicans and like they don’t want people to pee in bottles. In order to pretend to be nice, Democrats do things like release a handful of people from federal prison to get other people to vote for them. It’s like when the popular kid is nice to you just to get your homework.

If Joe truly didn’t want people to be in prison for marijuana possession, he wouldn’t be telling states to spend COVID-19 funding on the police. He wouldn’t be giving states more money to hire an additional 100,000 police instead of using this money on social services that people actually need. 

Joe Biden wants to keep the racist police state because it serves the capitalist – but he doesn’t want you to know that, because he wants you to vote for him. So he shows up and pretends to play basketball, when he is being paid to miss all the shots. Don’t fall for it. 

News that made me tell you a story with a sad ending

The Colorado River is running out of water – and the first thing that came to my mind is that if you are in a country out there with any water, hide your water. 

You know how the United States government is; if they don’t have it and you have it, it’s theirs. The US government is like Beyonce; it sees it, it wants it. Except for when the US government shows up, there aren’t people in cute head-to-toe denim outfits dancing in formation. In fact, there is no dancing at all.

That’s enough of me trying to draw a parallel between US imperialism and Beyonce’s mega hit ‘Formation’ – let’s go back to the Colorado River saga, and it is a saga of imperialistic standards. 

The seven states that share the Colorado River have not been able to agree on how to cut their use of the river by 40% by the deadline. Not agreeing on a solution means the federal government will decide for them. Which is the equivalent of a parent stepping in when two children don’t want to share toys: if the government was a monster and the children fighting were little monsters. 

I’m not surprised that states of a settler country don’t know how to share. The United States of America was famously founded on not wanting to share. These states sharing the Colorado river would be like Donald Trump’s children sharing: we know it’s not happening because their dad taught them that sharing is for losers. In fact the Colorado River itself is a perfect example of the settler mentality of the United States government.

Once upon a time, the Colorado River flowed from the Rocky Mountains in the so-called United States of America to the Sea of Cortez in Mexico. But an evil dam called the Morelos Dam was built on the US-Mexican border preventing the water from flowing to the Sea of Cortez and destroying the livelihood of those who relied on the river south of the dam.

So the United States of America stole water from Mexico because it didn’t want to share and now the states that use the stolen water don’t want to share it either. 

It turns out that people who steal generally aren’t open to sharing. That’s why they should give the land back to the people they stole it from. The end.

News that made me hold back my usual criticism of elected officials

Two Indigenous women, Sônia Guajajara and Célia Xakriabá, have been elected to the Brazilian congress, which has been enough for some people to celebrate this as a win for Indigenous people in Brazil. 

Personally I do not consider anything short of landback and efforts for landback as a win for Brazilian Indigenous people – but I’ve also been accused of being a cynic on Twitter multiple times. You just can’t go around saying that corporations, the government, and the media are one entity working together to torture us without people calling you cynic.

I, on the other hand, view myself as an optimist because I think that we the people have everything we need to get rid of this capitalist hellscape. I guess believing in the power of people makes me a cynic? 

My immediate reaction when you tell me a politician of a certain ethnicity winning an election is a win for the people of the same ethnicity is to scream like I screamed the day when Eric Adams was elected. It was a loud scream followed by a very long rant of how electing someone who is Black to an institution that is anti-Black is as useless as trying to reason with Kanye West. Eric Adams is the mayor of New York who is a Black man and has proceeded to pass lots of very anti-Black policies. He and Kanye probably get along very well. 

Sônia and Célia don’t sound like Eric Adams. They are in the Socialist party, they have spoken out for the rights of Indigenous people, and do not party with Cara Delevingne. 

However, as a person who believes that institutions that were built to oppress people cannot be reformed to care for them, you can see how it is hard for me to dance around because Sônia and Célia won an election. I just don’t think you can turn a scary snake into a cute kitten even if you send nice people to talk to it. 

As a Black comedian who lives in the United States and spends a large chunk of my time getting high and eating gushers I will hold back on going in on Sônia and Célia like I do to Kamala. 

I’m not holding back because I’m neither Brazilian nor an Indigenous person. I’m holding back because I don’t understand Sônia and Célia’s history enough. From what I have read they sound like amazing people. I may not understand Sônia and Célia’s history; however, the history I do understand is that Kamala is a cop and the state has always been used as a force to maintain and enforce hierarchy. Barack Obama proved that it doesn’t matter who you elect to run hell: it will still be hell. I doubt Sônia and Célia will prove me wrong, but I’m open to being surprised.

I hate surprises, but Indigenous women destroying capitalism is a surprise that I’m sure I would love.

News that made me say that we should get rid of all borders except one border

This week on TikTok I shared a video about my thoughts on Eric Adams housing people seeking asylum who have been bussed to New York from Florida and Texas in tents. These are my thoughts…

@feelthenewswithmarcela The site of the tent city is being moved to Randall Island since the show which is still not okay. We live in dystopia please come help. #immigrant #asylumseekers #orchardbeach #anarchist #news #nyc #leftist #asylumseekers #ericadams ♬ original sound – Feel the News

That’s it for the news, see ya next week,

Marcela