Marcela’s Weekly Digest: 20th September 2022

Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news. 

My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler. 

Today I had cookies for breakfast while I shared my feelings about the governors of Texas and Florida trafficking people seeking asylum to DC and Martha’s Vineyard, a racist school district in Illinois, the Chilean president snubbing the Israeli ambassador, and Patagonia’s founder giving his company away. Onto the news…

News that made me use my basketball expertise

The Attorney General of Illinois is investigating whether Township High School District 211, the largest school district in Illinois, discriminated against Black and LatinX students by disproportionately ticketing them for “bad behaviour” compared to white students. 

Yes, in the United States they ticket children for wearing short skirts, like they ticket a driver speeding to make it to his best friend’s wedding. Of course the driver is Black because if he was white the police would totally understand that you shouldn’t be late to your best friend’s wedding when you are an officiant and you have the rings. The police would commend this white driver for being a good friend and escort him with their sirens.

65% of the tickets issued from 2018 to 2021 went to Black and LatinX students who make up 32% of the Township High School student population. White children on the other hand got 28% of the tickets while being 43% of the student population. 

After looking at these numbers, I’m not sure why the Attorney General is still investigating whether this is racism. This is the equivalent of a ref deliberating whether Steph Curry making a jump shot from halfcourt is a three pointer. It’s a waste of everyone’s time and it legitimises the opinion of people who refuse to accept reality because they don’t want Steph Curry to exist. I used ref so you can believe that I really do know about sports. 

One of the people who refuses to accept reality is Lisa Small, the Superintendent of Township School District. She said that there is no racism happening, which is exactly what someone who is doing something racist would say.

People who want to keep doing racism generally don’t admit that they are doing racism unless they are a proud boy who is proud of his terrible ways. So either Lisa wants to keep doing racism or she’s really bad at math and someone needs to give her a ticket for skipping the lesson on fractions and percentages. Maybe the Attorney General can do that.

News that made me defend Kamala Harris… kinda… not really

The governors of Texas and Florida, Greg Abbot and Ron Desantis or as I like to call them Tweedle KKK and Tweedle KKK, sent people seeking asylum to Kamala’s house and Martha’s Vineyard this week. 

No, Kamala and the people of Martha’s Vineyard didn’t invite people seeking asylum over to breakfast to give them a respite from their long arduous journey. 

Greg and Ron lied to the people seeking asylum about where they were taking them (otherwise called kidnapping or human trafficking or whatever crime it is called to transport someone somewhere without their permission). Funny how when politicians commit crimes, it’s just called a political stunt. But if I were to pretend to be an uber driver and drive Greg and Ron to the middle of Times Square, I’d be a monster. If you aren’t scared of Times Square, you don’t know that we live in hell. 

Greg and Ron sent people seeking asylum to these specific locations to punish the democrats for not “securing” the border. Now normally I would applaud the idea of making Kamala and the rich people feel uncomfortable – but this is just disgusting and cruel. 

The fact that these two Republican governors can look at human beings who have escaped thier homes in search of a better life and only view them as pawns to get their racist constituents riled up shows you that the only purpose of the Republican Party is to maintain a white supremacist nation state. 

When you want people to believe you will maintain white supremacy, you have to be cruel. At this point the republicans are engaging in the cruel Olympics which much like the real Olympics is built on the violation of human rights.

The Republicans are awful but I don’t want you to forget that Democrats are awful too. If Democrats really cared about the rights of immigrants, they would get rid of the border entirely. Either you are for open borders or you are for kidnapping people and sending them over to Kamala’s house. I don’t make the rules. 

News that almost made me like a President… kinda… not really

Last week the ambassador of Israel, Gil Artzyeli was given the “The Real Housewives” treatment when he went to the Chilean presidential palace and the Chilean president, Gabriel Boric was like, actually we don’t talk to war criminals and you can come back next month. 

My favourite part of this story is that Gabriel didn’t tell Gil before he came to the palace that he would not see him. He let Gil come to the palace, wait, and was like, actually we don’t know you today. Look at Gabriel Boric trying to get me to like Presidents even though I don’t think Presidents should exist. 

Gabriel refused to see the Israeli ambassador Gil Artzyeli because Israeli occupation forces killed  17 year old Odai Trad Salah. 

Not talking to someone because they constantly commit war crimes should not be a controversial issue. However, if you live in a world where a genocidal state calls the shots, everything is upside down. Genocide is good and saying genocide is bad is bad. The genocidal state I’m talking about is the United States of America. As Israel is used to the USA and other countries being unbothered by its genocidal ways, Gil said that the “snub could damage relations between the two countries”. 

Gabriel, if you are reading this, please continue reading. No one should want a relationship with someone actively committing genocide! 

Israel is that problematic friend who refuses to change because other friends continue to cosign on his bullshit. You, Gabriel, could be the one friend that calls them out on this. Do not talk to any Israeli ambassador, tomorrow, or next month or next year, until they stop committing genocide. Now call your besties and tell them to do the same.

News that made me remind you that candy corn is tasty

The founder of Patagonia, the brand responsible for dressing financier bros in vests, is giving away his company to fight climate change.

Patagonia, you can’t destroy the economy and people’s lives without their vests. That’s a joke about financier bros destroying the economy. Sorry for burying the lead there, I just couldn’t help it. There is literally an instagram of all these dudes wearing this vest. 

Sorry, I did it again. Let’s go back to the news. Yes, a billionaire gave away his company to save the planet. His name is Yvon Chouinard. There have been hundreds of articles written about his magnanimity, but before you get on your knees and start licking this billionaire’s boots, let’s discuss a bit. 

Was it really Chouinard’s money to give?

I ask that question because there is a law of physics that says you can’t be in more than one place at once or something like that. I’m not a physics major. So if you can’t be in more than one place at once, how exactly do you accumulate 3 billion dollars? 

Is it because, I don’t know, you stole your workers’ labour, hence generating a surplus for yourself? You aren’t the Flash. Even if you were the Flash, I don’t think the Flash can do the work of a 3,000 person labour force. Yes, I am saying that Yvon Chouinard is using stolen funds to start his non-profit to save the planet. 

Call me a hater if you want, but I’m just not okay with people using money they’ve stolen from workers even if it is to save the planet. Last time I checked, humans are also part of the planet – so you can’t save it by exploiting them. The 100 million dollars in profits generated by Patagonia every year that will go to that new non-profit are stolen, plain and simple. If Chouinard wants to do the right thing, he should give that money back to the workers he stole from.

I know some of you are thinking that I’m being very harsh to a billionaire who obviously feels badly about being a billionaire. First of all, he will be okay, he is rich. Second, if he feels so badly about it, then he should stop stealing people’s labour so they can have more time to climb rocks! I wouldn’t use my time to climb rocks, but I’m sure lots of people would . 

The reality is billionaires like Yvon just want to save capitalism. Yuck! Chouinard said, “Hopefully this will influence a new form of capitalism that doesn’t end up with a few rich people and a bunch of poor people.” 

That’s the thing about people who want to keep capitalism going – they want to keep acting as if the wealth they accumulated wasn’t stolen and it’s their right to do with it as they please. Which is even a bigger lie than that candy corn is gross.

News that made me explain why we live in hell

This week on TikTok I shared my feelings about a woman being imprisoned for the protection of her “baby”. It reminded me that we are in hell. What kind of hell? Watch and find out.

@feelthenewswithmarcela Please let’s all get together get the fire hose and put out this fire. Please I’m begging you. It’s too hot and I’m so tired #tired #news #feelthenew #anarchist #wearepeopletoo ♬ original sound – Feel the News

That’s it for the news, see ya next week,

Marcela