A week of the United Nations terminating their mission in Sudan (UNITAMS), protestors disrupting an IOF fundraiser in Manhattan, and Amazon attempting to prevent Amazon drivers from suing Amazon

Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news. 

My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.

I’m sharing my feelings about UN terminating the United Nations Integrated Transition Assistance Mission in Sudan, protestors disrupting an IOF fundraiser in Manhattan, and protestors disrupting the Macy’s “Thanksgiving” Parade 

Onto the news… 

News that made me tell you I hate burpees

The United Nations is terminating the United Nations Integrated Transition Assistance Mission in Sudan (UNITAMS) because the Sudanese government asked for their departure. 

The purpose of the UNITAMS was to help transition Sudan into a democracy after “the fall of President Omar al-Bashir”. It is very ironic that an organisation run by autocratic colonisers is supposed to help bring about democracy in any country. I’m talking about the United Nations and my gym. Only someone who doesn’t believe in democracy would make people do 25 burpees. 

Also, I didn’t know you could ask colonisers to just terminate a mission and they’d oblige. Maybe it has everything to do with the fact that the Sudanese government doesn’t threaten the colonisers’ interests at all? We all know western governments don’t leave somewhere if they don’t want to leave. Just like a college student doesn’t leave a party with free booze unless the booze is finished or their ex-best friend who they are currently arguing with shows up. 

This is absolutely not an autobiography of my life, I’m just trying to draw an analogy here about how colonisers don’t just leave parties. 

Colonisers don’t care about human rights or democracy unless you refuse to share your natural resources with them. By share I mean give it to them for free and thank them for taking your land. Colonisers treat people’s lands like shoplifters treat Target, a place where everything is free. 

I agree with one of these groups of people and you know which one.

Of course, the United States tried to make it sound like they care about the human rights in Sudan. Robert Wood, a US envoy, said, “we are gravely concerned that a reduced international presence in Sudan will only serve to embolden the perpetrators of atrocities with dire consequences for civilians.” 

No, Robert Wood is not a comedian pretending to work for the United States government. He did not make this statement as part of a bit of his stand up set in a basement in Brooklyn. This is a real government official of the United States of America showing concern for perpetrators being emboldened to commit atrocities while the United States of America is literally paying for a genocide in Gaza.  

Another thing that the termination of this mission highlights is one we should all already know by now. The United Nations tries to pretend like it’s a group of united nations to help everybody when it’s just a tool of the colonisers to make the colonised feel like someone is going to save them. 

No one is going to save us and nations are the problem. As long as nations, borders, and governments exist, there will always be genocide. Just as long as PG-13 movies exist, 10 year olds will be sneaking in to watch them and having nightmares about them. 

Nation states are not here to help us, they are here to serve the interests of corporations and the ruling class. Whether it’s the occupying zionist state of Israel, the United States of America, or the government of Sudan. If we want to be free, we have to rid ourselves of these oppressors.. 

News that made me tell you why I think I’m very rich

Protesters in New York City disrupted a fundraiser for the IOF (Israeli Occupation Forces) hosted by Donna Karan, the fashion designer and zionist. IOF is the right name for what they call the IDF (Israeli Defense Forces) because being a coloniser is not defence. 

I’m not surprised that someone who started a fashion brand would financially support colonisers because the mainstream fashion industry depends on colonialism. Why would you destroy something that you depend on to amass your riches? 

I mentioned the fashion industry depending on colonialism because I have been reading The Anti-Capitalist Book of Fashion and every page I turn made me want to burn all my clothes. Which wouldn’t be helpful at all. 

Destroying capitalism is the only solution. So if you ever needed something to encourage you more to burn down capitalism or never wear clothes again, that’s the book. Now, let’s get back to Donna Karan being a genocide supporter.  

What I’m really confused about is why does anyone, especially a rich American, need to raise funds for the IOF when the IOF already gets our tax dollars. Maybe Donna Karan is one of those wealthy people who avoids taxes. Now she feels guilty about not giving more of her money to the imperialist cause. So she planned a party for all her rich friends who also don’t pay taxes to give that money directly to an imperialist cause they support. 

A rich person feeling guilty about not paying taxes to support imperialism and genocide is a theory that I can debunk myself. I was just thinking to myself why would anyone raise money to support genocide? So I thought maybe it’s because Donna feels guilty about evading taxes that would pay for genocide. Then I remembered, wealthy people don’t have the ability to feel guilty about hoarding money because hoarding money is their whole personality. Then I also remembered I previously said a rich person would support genocide because their wealth depends on genocide and imperialism in this very post.

Since rich people don’t feel guilty about doing terrible things because terrible things are what generates their wealth, I’m very happy that the protestors were outside the fundraiser making everyone raising funds for settler colonialism feel very uncomfortable. If you insist on wearing a cute outfit to raise money for genocide, you should not have fun at said party. No one deserves to have fun in a cute outfit when they are raising funds for genocide.

News that made me say I wish middle schoolers wrote the law

Amazon drivers in Colorado filed a class action lawsuit against Amazon for making the drivers pee in bottles and poop in bags. Amazon creates tight delivery schedules that don’t give drivers enough time to use a bathroom without falling behind their delivery schedule. Not being able to use a bathroom at work is a violation of workers’ rights because it prevents workers from answering nature’s call with dignity and crying in private. Sure, being able to cry in the bathroom at work is not as important as being able to pee, but I do think it should be a worker’s right. Amazon workers should be able to mourn the loss of their freedom at work without getting looks from other drivers on the road. 

Amazon obviously doesn’t believe in one’s right to pee or cry in a bathroom during the workday. A driver was advised to buy tools to help her pee in the back of the truck after she was admonished for searching for a bathroom on her delivery route. 

Instead of giving workers more time to answer mother nature in a bathroom instead of a plastic bag, Amazon is trying to prevent this lawsuit from going to court. This is not surprising given that Amazon is run by a monster in a human skin suit. People always say Jeff Bezos is such an evil human, but has anyone really done any research to make sure he is actually one of us? The humanity in me just can’t imagine making people pee in a bottle so I can afford a yacht. 

Amazon is saying this lawsuit doesn’t belong in court because Amazon’s role is to invent new ways to be cruel to workers and by sending this case to court the government will be preventing them from carrying out said role. Okay, Amazon didn’t actually say that. You believed me at first though because you know Amazon is capable of anything. 

What Amazon actually said is these workers “signed arbitration agreements when they took jobs at their relevant DSPs (delivery service partners), they must now not go to court and instead settle the complaints privately”. Delivery service partners are third party companies that hire Amazon’s drivers so Amazon can claim they are not responsible for people pooping in bags because Amazon doesn’t hire these people. 

The more I learn about how companies use the law to shirk responsibility for their crimes against humans, the more it becomes very clear to me that laws are just tools to trick us. Amazon decides the conditions of these workers’ employment yet Amazon can claim it doesn’t employ these workers. It’s like the law was written by a middle schooler who wants to get away with egging people’s homes by saying the eggs actually threw themselves against your wall Mr. Daniels. I didn’t do it. 

I wish the law was written by middle schoolers because at least they’d be for humans instead of corporations. If laws were here for us and not for corporations to make people poop in bags, the law would simply say, no capitalism allowed.

Here’s a video of my favourite headlines from Kissinger’s death 

@feelthenewswithmarcela Even teen vogue told the truth about KIssinger #leftisttiktok #leftistsoftiktok #kissinger #news #feelthenews ♬ original sound – Feel the News

See ya later,

Marcela