A week of Israeli-backed looters in Gaza and the US defunding “terrorist” nonprofits

Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live in Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news. 

My newsletter has evolved into this beautiful news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.

Today I’m sharing my feelings about the IOF enabling looters in Gaza and the US House passing a bill to defund “terrorist” nonprofit organisations.

Onto the news… 

News that made me feel like my loaded fries are complicit in terrorism

The house of representatives has passed a bill that if signed into law would revoke the nonprofit status of organisations supporting terrorism. How should you feel about this news? Excited that you can finally stop paying your taxes to the terrorist organisation known as the United States of America. You can use that money to buy weed, or start an insurrection, or both.

If the government says that nonprofit organisations that support terrorism can’t be nonprofit organisations, then it makes sense that funding a terrorist organisation should also be illegal. And we fund a terrorist organisation every day: when we go to work, when we buy loaded fries from that tasty vegan place that we like. I don’t know if there is a heaven, but deep fried potatoes covered with vegan meat, mayo, and whatever other sorcery that place puts on those fries might be it.

Also, I hate to break it to you but nonprofit organisations are not these saintly institutions that everyone wants to believe they are. Everyone imagines that nonprofits are going to save us from the plight of capitalism, which is very strange because they are funded by the very same people who are lighting the flames of the hell we live in.

I don’t know if anyone needs to hear this but the revolution will not be funded by Bloomberg Philanthropies. If you don’t recall, Bloomberg is the same man who paid 1 billion dollars for his presidential campaign while being haunted by a sexual assault rapsheet longer than your CVS receipt. Does that sound like a revolutionary to you?

I looked up who were the largest donors to nonprofit institutions and, shockingly, they were all billionaires. I use shockingly here sarcastically. Like when I say shockingly Joe Biden is friends with the devil.

Speaking of the devil, the Walton Family Foundation is also one of the top nonprofit funders. Walton, if you don’t know, is named after the egotistical demons who own Walmart. The same people who pay their workers so little that these workers need a food drive to feed their families claim to care about education and the environment. Maybe the Walton Family Foundation should include workers’ rights among its goals. However, it won’t do this because stealing workers’ wages is how they got enough money to start a foundation.

I went to graduate school because I wanted to make the world a “better” place. But I was wrong. Turns out the way you make the world a better place is from stealing and oppressing people, then using the money you’ve extracted from the people you’ve oppressed to save the people you’ve oppressed. I thought saving the world was simple arithmetic but turns out it’s calculus. I’m incapable of comprehending it and lack the interest to pursue it.

Nonetheless, this is not me saying that this bill is not an attempt for the fascists to control people. I’m just saying if we want to live in a world where everyone’s needs are met, nonprofits are not the answer. Destroying capitalism is the answer. Destroying capitalism is always the answer. Unless your question is how do I buy a personal superyacht from stealing wages while claiming to be a good person because I have a nonprofit?

News that made me feel happy the IOF didn’t train my middle school bullies

The occupying state of Israel is not only blocking aid from entering Gaza, it’s also protecting and arming gangs who loot aid trucks. This is evil, vile, malevolent, heinous, and whatever other words you can use to describe a situation that makes you want to retch your breakfast. Yes, I did look at a thesaurus to find a synonym for evil that would perfectly describe this situation, but there was not a single word so I had to use four.

Having no words for me is like a coloniser not colonising. My parents said I spoke before all my siblings. My first words after I came out of the womb were, the vibes here suck, and then I attempted to crawl back into my mother. 

I have so many words in my head that sometimes I have trouble sleeping. I guess three genocides will shut anyone up. 

Israel enabling looting is so egregious that even the Washington Post was forced to cover the news (mostly) honestly. Of course their headline wasn’t Israel is helping looters because thieves stick together. The headline was: “Gangs looting Gaza aid operate in areas under Israeli control, aid groups say.” This headline doesn’t match the content of the article which states the IOF forces aid trucks to only utilise routes riddled with looters. A UN official is quoted as pointing out the irony of how armed civilians looting trucks are not murdered while unarmed civilians elsewhere are murdered by the IOF.

I think the Washington Post headline was written knowing most people only read headlines. Someone reading that headline would tell their friend did you know that aid groups are saying gangs are looting aid trucks in Israeli controlled areas and their friend would ask I wonder why, then they would go back to eating brunch. Avocado toast is not the reason why millennials can’t buy homes. Avocado toast is the reason why millennials don’t revolt. 

The looting of aid trucks started off as an act of desperation to stop any threat to the Zionist genocide, but now has evolved into a criminal enterprise – just like the occupying state of Israel itself. Of course it has, with training from the IOF, middle schoolers can acquire killing and looting skills. You don’t steal a whole country without knowing a thing or two about being a criminal. I’m just happy that my middle school bullies weren’t trained by the IOF, because they would have done a lot more damage. 

Looting is the main impediment of aid flow in Gaza. Israel lied that Hamas is responsible for the looting when Israel is, in fact, enabling it. Shocker, colonisers lie!  One of the transportation operators in Gaza has stated that Hamas punishes the gangs selling stolen goods at exorbitant prices and went as far as saying things are under control in Hamas territory. I’ll let you discern what that means for yourself because I don’t want the FBI knocking on my door. I have a stuffed panda that scares easily.

News that made me come up with my own solutions for affordable housing

@feelthenewswithmarcela Come to Feel the News this Saturday to catch up on the news and share your policy solutions for a better world! Tix in bio #feelthenews #rent #adultdorms #housingcrisis #cities ♬ original sound – Feel the News

See ya later,

Marcela