1. How do I know if I have orgasmed?

An orgasm is a series of involuntary muscle contractions, typically occurring in the vagina, penis, uterus, and/or anus. These contractions happen about once per second, usually 5-8 times, and are accompanied by a surge in blood flow to the brain. When a pleasurable feeling is building up, it might be hard to identify the endpoint or climax. A feeling of pleasure that is rising and then a feeling of release is a huge part of how you can identify that.

For people with penises, penile orgasm especially is often (not always) associated with ejaculation, which tends to happen 2-3 seconds after orgasm.

Other signs of an orgasm are as follows:

● Pupils dilate

● Heart rate increases

● Heightened genital sensitivity afterward (this has to do with what is called a refractory period: the time period after an orgasm where you are physically unable to orgasm again. People with vulvas as opposed to penises tend to have shorter or non-existent refractory periods).

Orgasms can feel different from person to person and even vary for the same individual depending on factors like mood, arousal levels, and stimulation methods. Some people have “good” and “bad” orgasm days, while others may notice distinct sensations depending on which part of the body is stimulated. Though the clitoris and penis are primary sources of orgasm, other erogenous zones, like the G-spot, anus, nipples, or even toes, can also trigger an orgasm for some.

Orgasm is one stage of what is called the sexual response cycle:

● Stage 1: Excitement

Associated with the term “foreplay”, this is when the body begins to respond to arousal. During the excitement stage muscles tighten, nipples harden, breasts can swell, increased blood flow to the genitals can cause the labia minora or testes to swell. You may notice vaginal lubrication or precum.

● Stage 2: Plateau

A continuation of the excitement phase, the body prepares for orgasm. The parasympathetic nervous system (which controls the body's fight-or-flight response) is activated, causing breathing, blood pressure, and heart rate to rise. In people with vulvas, swelling can lead to a visible color change (often purplish) in the genitals, and the clitoris becomes more sensitive.

● Stage 3: Orgasm

As described above, this is the peak of sexual response. Characterized by muscle contractions and a release of tension.

● Stage 4: Resolution

After orgasm, the body gradually returns to its resting state. Heart rate slows, muscle tension relaxes, and genitals return to their pre-arousal size and sensitivity.

Understanding your body’s responses can help you recognize and improve upon your experiences with pleasure. Though I must say, focusing on what feels good rather than meeting a specific expectation is the key to more satisfying sex overall.

2. How often should I get tested for STIs?

Most experts (sexuality professionals, physicians, OBGYNs, urologists, etc.) will advise you to remember one of two rules.

Get tested for STIs between each new sexual partner

Get tested for STIs once every three months

The truth is that for each of us, one rule will feel like a better fit than the other. Getting out of a year-long monogamous relationship? You might not have gotten tested every three months during that time, but now that you’re considering putting yourself out there and potentially meeting new people, getting tested between partners makes the most sense for you. Do you regularly have one night stands but swear by your barrier methods (condoms, dental dams)? Well, holding yourself to “once every three months” is a great way to maintain some peace of mind and prioritize your health.

There are a few ways we should contextualize these two rules of thumb. The first is that the goal here is safeR sex; there is no such thing as safe sex. Virtually every act mainstream society considers sexual carries risks to our physical health. I say this not to scare you, and I hope it doesn’t. Every STI is either curable or treatable. These health conditions are stigmatized entirely because they are related to something as morally contentious as sex, not because they are a death sentence. In fact, they are very common. Around half of all people will have or have had an STI by the time they turn 24.

Curable:

● Chlamydia: A bacterial STI that can be treated with antibiotics

● Gonorrhea: A bacterial STI that can be treated with antibiotics

● Syphilis: A bacterial STI that can be treated with antibiotics

● Trichomoniasis: A parasitic STI that can be treated with antibiotics

Treatable, but not curable:

● Herpes: Antiviral medications can help manage the disease, but there is no cure

● HIV: Antiviral medications can help manage the disease, but there is no cure

● Hepatitis B: Antiviral medications can help fight the virus and slow liver damage, but there is no cure

● HPV: Most types of human papillomavirus (>90%) are low risk and your immune system clears it up on its own without causing health problems. The fewer types that cause cancer are harder for the body to get rid of on its own.

“SafeR sex” as opposed to “safe sex” reminds us that there is no one size fits all. We all have different levels of comfort with risk. For example, many people do not use barrier methods when performing oral on a penis, nor do they regularly get their throats swabbed during STI testing. This isn’t inherently a “no-no”. There are fewer STIs that can be contracted through oral sex, and even those each have less than 10% transmission rates orally. Most doctors will not bring up condoms during fellatio or throat swabbing unless you do, but if in evaluating your comfort with risk you decide that you want to incorporate condoms and throat swabs into your blow jobs, that would be a part of your specific safeR sex regimen.

3. How do I know what my sexuality is?

The truth is that there’s no plug and play formula to answer this question. The journey to discover one’s identity is highly individual. Each person you know who has a label to describe themselves likely came to that conclusion in an entirely unique way. What is true for all of us is that historically queerphobic societies assume each of us are heterosexual. Growing up with that being projected onto you certainly makes it more difficult to discover if you are anything besides straight.

Let’s start with what your sexuality is NOT. Your sexuality is not merely who you have had sex with or been attracted to in the past. Many folks who discover their queerness later in life can feel invalidated by their past heterosexual experiences, or even current heterosexual relationships. Sexuality is defined in who you may be attracted to, have sexual or romantic feelings towards, it’s not a checklist of past encounters. Though your personal history may aid you in this self-analysis, don’t let it limit you.

Your sexuality is not necessarily a permanent label, nor is it a required label. Questions like these often stem from feeling like you NEED a term to describe yourself, a box to put yourself in. Yes, language is certainly helpful in terms of finding community, or locating resources and opportunities. If assigning yourself a label feels comforting, great! If it feels restrictive or stressful, you don’t need one. Not to mention that it is completely normal for the way you identify, or the types of people you’re interested in, to change over the course of your life. Identity is fluid, and it’s okay if your understanding of yourself shifts over time.

Your sexuality is not what society tells you it is. As mentioned, we are assumed straight unless proven otherwise, this is a concept called compulsory heterosexuality. “Comp-het” can pose a huge barrier in discovering who you really are, in more overt ways like leading to self doubt and denial, or in more subtle ways. For example, people who are raised as girls are taught in many ways to compare and compete with one another; to pit themselves against other girls in regards to their sexual desirability. If those people later discover that they are queer, it can be hard to differentiate between feelings of jealousy stemming from comp-het, to feelings of sexual attraction.

In understanding what your sexuality is here are some helpful tools:

● Researching the Kinsey scale – A spectrum that suggests most people don’t fit into rigid categories of “straight” or “gay” but fall somewhere in between.

● Journaling – Writing down your thoughts, experiences, and reactions to different people or situations can reveal patterns over time.

● Consuming a Variety of Media – You only know what you know! Exposing yourself to queer media can help you identify what resonates

There’s no right or wrong way to figure out your sexuality, and there’s no deadline. Whether you find a label that feels right, embrace fluidity, or decide you don’t need a label at all, your identity is valid. Exploration, uncertainty, and change are all natural parts of the process. Trust yourself, give yourself time, and know that whatever you discover is enough.