A week of ICE using tear gas outside a school, panic over the White House refurb, and Indigenous activists interrupting COP30

Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live in Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news. 

My newsletter has evolved into this beautiful news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.

Today I’m sharing my feelings about ICE throwing tear gas outside an elementary school, people panicking about the demolition of the White House East Wing, and Indigenous people in Brazil interrupting the UN climate change conference.

Onto the news… 

News that made me tell you to hide your glue gun

ICE agents threw tear gas across the street from an elementary school in Chicago. When Donald Trump says the level of crime in Chicago and other large US cities is intolerable, he is right. The unacceptable crimes are being perpetrated by the US government, large corporations, and Taylor Swift’s dancing. There will never be a time that I will not find it absurdly hilarious that a mediocre white woman was able to dance poorly to a billion dollar fortune. Never!

Anyways, the US government and large corporations are kidnapping people, bullying children, and stealing our lives in this dystopian nightmare that should be called Gangs of America. The US government and the ruling class who it serves are a criminal enterprise we are all paying for. We pay for this criminal enterprise financially and spiritually. The corporations which we support pay for the tech, and the government which we pay for provides the guns. You aren’t just paying Spotify to blare out the pain of renting your life to some overlord so you can pay your rent. You are also paying Spotify to find kidnappers who tear gas children.

I would say we’ve finally reached that stage of fascism where children are being bullied by the US government – but the US government bullying children is as American as white male war criminal presidents. The United States of America imprisons children now, kidnapped and held Indigenous children captive in the past. Those are just a few instances of the government bullying children.

No, I’m not surprised by ICE throwing tear gas across the street from a school any more than I’m surprised by the government charging people with terrorism for sending encrypted messages and making zines. Hide your staplers and staples lest you be indicted, because running an anti-capitalist craft club is considered a “terrorist enterprise now”.

The United States government – the people who are gassing elementary children – are claiming the real terrorists are people armed with a Signal app and glue guns. Behold the absurdity of fascism. I would laugh at this dark comedy called life if I weren’t currently doing my favourite thing, screaming into the abyss.

People in Texas are currently being detained for supporting a “terrorist act” outside an ICE detention centre where a cop was shot. They are accused of this support because of sending disappearing messages and writing zines. I hate to be redundant but this is not astonishing. Trying people for merely expressing anti-capitalist thoughts is as American as white women proving their girl-boss-hood by embracing fascism, yes I’m talking about Pam Bondi.

In 1886, anarchists were hanged after someone threw dynamite at cops who were repressing labor activists. None of the people who were hanged were present when the dynamite was thrown yet they were charged for throwing the dynamite. Their crime? Identifying as anarchists.

There’s never been a time in this country where fighting against oppression hasn’t been targeted by the state because fascists hate freedom, much like Swifties hate good music.

News that made me quote a Kardashian

There’s a meme on the internet when Kim Kardashian sobs for her lost diamond earrings and her sister Kourtney with absolutely no sympathy responds, “Kim, there’s people that are dying.” An unexpected level of self-awareness from people who’ve spent their whole “careers” marketing excess and rampant consumerism to the American public while appropriating Black culture.

I bring this meme up to say I’m the Kourtney to people currently screaming about the demolition of the East Wing of the White House. There are people that are dying, liberals, and the demolition of a house that housed generations of war criminals is not on my top one million things to care about. I care more about the Dorito that I dropped when I was 12 years old and couldn’t pick up because my mother was watching me. Yes, I’m a fervent believer of the 30 second rule and I’m not ashamed of it. One time I found a piece of candy between my couch cushions and I gobbled it without hesitation. So I guess I’m more of a believer in if it still looks tasty, I’ll eat it.

Every single time people say can you believe Trump is destroying a house built by enslaved people and represents a disgusting imperialist state, I want to scream out that people are dying in my best vocal fry. However, these people already know people are dying. CNN, which fired a journalist for speaking up for Palestine, is mourning the loss of the East Wing like a bad break up. Showcasing photos of the war criminals who spent their time in reclining chairs after a full day of violating people’s human rights. Who doesn’t need a break after a day of murdering people in the name of freedom?

CNN and liberals who watch it care more about a building than the multiple genocides. I know this because I’ve had more liberals ask me about my thoughts on the East Wing than they have about Sudan. I’m not claiming that random liberals talking to me is a statistically significant sample size, but it feels like the Jimmy Kimmel of it all again. Liberals prioritising white feelings over people’s deaths. In this case, it’s literally a white house.

I’m once again reminded liberals want to maintain institutions of oppression as long as it doesn’t interrupt their brunch. They’ve said they’d be at brunch if a nicer genocider was in office, and made signs about it.

Liberals want fascism covered in glitter. DEI fascism. Fascism where your race, gender, sexuality, and class don’t matter as long as you are fully invested in maintaining a white supremacist world order. You can be a Black war criminal dropping bombs on the Middle East as long as you tell Africa to stop blaming its problems on colonialism as colonialism is actively happening.

Liberals love glitter fascism because glitter fascism gaslights people in the centre of the empire into believing someone in power cares about them, while the empire guzzles the resources from colonised countries like a liberal guzzles mimosas during a Democratic presidency.

News that made me feel like politicians are treating climate change like I treat my gluten intolerance

I was elated when I learned Indigenous people interrupted the sham United Nations Climate Change Conference (COP30) in Belem, Brazil, which claims to work on solutions for global climate change while inviting oil lobbyists. That’s like me trying to mitigate my gluten intolerance by eating a whole loaf of wheat bread. It doesn’t work, trust me I’ve tried.

This climate change conference has been happening for 30 years, and as you know the globe is still warming like the day-old coffee I stuck in the microwave because I’m too lazy to clean my french press. If you’ve been meeting for 30 years and you still can’t resolve a problem, you are not really trying to solve the problem. You’re pretending to solve the problem so you can use the conference as your naptime, after exacerbating the problem with the flights you took to pretend you are solving the problem.

Yes, I’m talking about Joe Biden taking a nap during COP26. This is arguably the most honest thing Joe has ever done. He wasn’t going to be bothered to pretend these talks mean anything so he did the right thing, used this opportunity for a disco nap. There’s never a better time to take a nap than during a useless meeting. Remote workers, take note. On site workers, start wearing sunglasses for your sensitive eyes when your boss calls a union busting meeting.

Everyone knows the solution to mitigating climate change is ending capitalism, but since these world “leaders” are the rich people’s lackeys, they will pretend they don’t know what’s ailing the planet like I pretend I don’t know what’s ailing me after I gluten myself with tasty sourdough.

Only this time, Indigenous people arrived to remind them of their lies.

After learning about the amazing crashing of the ridiculous summit, I, of course, had to watch the videos. One thing you should know about me if you don’t already know is that videos of people revolting against the state is my lullaby. Nothing puts me to sleep faster than seeing cops being overwhelmed by the public. Bonus if there are flying objects!

The video I watched showcased why we don’t need the police. The police brutalised people who are literally there to save the planet, in order to protect people who are actively destroying the planet. The moment of the video that touched me to my core was an Indigenous person passionately explaining why they were there. They said: “We don’t eat money, we want our territory free. But the business of oil exploration, mineral exploration, and logging continues.” These words were a shattering spiritual reminder for me.

It reminded me that no matter how much capitalism commodifies everything and gaslights us into believing that extraction for financial gain is the sole purpose of existing, the truth is that we will only be free when the land is free. Free from exploitation, free from extraction, free from the grip of colonisation.

The question is: what are we willing to do to free the land?

I took a break from the news to recommend a book! 

@feelthenewswithmarcela I use capitalism and white supremacy interchangeably cause they are the same thing! Subscribe to my newsletter for more of my thoughts! #Capitalism #ArtAndCulture #MediaInfluence #Consumerism #bookrecommendations📚❣️ ♬ original sound – Feel the News

See ya later,

Marcela