Trump resettling white Afrikaners to the US, the NYPD partying with Zionists, and Israel pretending to aid Palestinians in Gaza

Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live in Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news. 

My newsletter has evolved into this beautiful news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.

Today I’m sharing my feelings about Trump resettling white Afrikaner “refugees” from South Africa to the so-called United States, the NYPD and Eric Adams partying with Zionists, and so-called United States and Israel pretending to aid Palestinians in Gaza.

Onto the news… 

News that made me say colonisers shouldn’t get a consolation prize

As discussed by Jamil F. Khan in their latest shado piece, the United States of America is resettling Afrikaner “refugees” from South Africa to the United States because if you haven’t heard, it’s hard to be a white person in South Africa. Who says it’s hard to be a white person in South Africa? Elon Musk, the spokesperson of racists victimised by the condemnation of racism. It must be deeply triggering when you are going about your racist business, stealing people’s land, and then someone says, hey maybe you shouldn’t hoard all this land your ancestors stole.

What are you supposed to do? Agree with them? Give up all the land your family stole and apologise for your role in oppressing others? No, that’s just not fair. If you are a settler from South Africa, you ask for the United States government to save you and Trump obliges. 

In order to rescue the white settlers of South Africa from the racist Black South African government, Trump is using funds meant for actual vulnerable refugees to bring more white racists to America. America loves to import racism and avocados. How else would it keep new fresh racist ideas coming and find a way to blame millennials for their financial woes?

Trump’s usage of the Preferred Communities program funds to settle Afrikaner “refugees” communicates clearly that white people are preferred. The Statue of Liberty should really state: “Give me your racist masses yearning to oppress.” In case the targeted kidnappings from ICE and refugee bans were not enough, using funds meant for vulnerable refugees to bring more racists to North Dakota should clarify Trump’s racism. 

Believe it or not, the Preferred Communities program doesn’t refer to a preference of race, though that wouldn’t be surprising given the United States of America’s history. Just like it wouldn’t be surprising to find me asleep on a public bench given my history of napping.

The Preferred Communities program’s purpose is to “support refugee and [Office of Refugee Resettlement] ORR-eligible populations with challenging needs that require special attention, including those with serious medical conditions, women at risk, and elderly refugees.” I’m not the author of this program, yet I’m willing to make a wager that losing land your racist ancestors stole doesn’t fall into “challenging needs.” I would argue it falls into “how to be a good person” needs.

The white South Africans are screaming racism because of the South African government’s attempt to redistribute land so 10% of the population (who are colonizers) don’t own 70% of arable land. Yet we live in an absurd world where these screams are legitimised. Forget the fact that the law attempting the redistribution only calls for expropriation without pay in certain circumstances, instead of complete dispossession.

I would argue this law is really nice. When was the last time you heard CVS letting a shoplifter keep some of the deodorants they stole? To clarify, I don’t have a problem with people reclaiming goods from CVS – but I do have a problem with keeping stolen land. Why is it that when it comes to theft, colonisers are the only thieves whose rights to stolen goods are legitimised? It’s because we live in a world where colonisers have the right to steal; the colonised have the right to shut up or else there will be tanks.

Trump is further legitimising white people’s right to steal by saving the white South Africans from the consequences of their theft. I wish someone would save me from the consequences of accidentally napping for three hours.

News that made me feel like I should get a cookie for showering

The NYPD and Eric Adams have been partying with the Israel Heritage Foundation (IHF), a Zionist nonprofit organisation fully committed to the genocide in Palestine. What is up with fascist organizations calling themselves Heritage Foundations? I’m talking about the other Heritage Foundation responsible for Project 2025. I think “heritage” refers to these organisations’ dedication to upholding white supremacy at all costs.

I know there’s never been a party invitation that Eric Adams has turned down, but buddying up with an organisation “calling for more killing in Gaza” is pretty villainous. I shouldn’t be surprised, because being villainous is literally Eric Adams’ job. I secretly think he shaves his head so he resembles Dr. Evil. Unlike the fictional Dr. Evil, Eric Adams doesn’t have to threaten governments to get money for evil; Eric Adams is paid to do evil. One of those evil things is to brutalise students protesting the genocide in Gaza. As if getting paid to do what he loves is not enough, the IHF rewarded Eric Adams matzah from the Zionist state for “his unwavering support for Israel and its people.”

Eric Adams gets bread for supporting genocide, and I don’t even get a cookie for showering and eating vegetables while being depressed? What type of the world do we live in when mayors and the leadership of the NYPD can throw caution to the wind and go to fascist events without worrying about backlash?

It’s a world where the NYPD shamelessly brutalises college pro-Palestinian protestors while partying with a Zionist organization without concerns that there will be questions about conflict of interest. The reality is that the NYPD partying with Zionists is not a conflict of interest.

Saying the NYPD partying with fascists is a conflict of interest is like saying me laughing at the one cop “who pepper-sprayed his face” is a conflict of interest. The NYPD’s interest is to maintain a racial socioeconomic hierarchy to service racial capitalism. My interests are for cops to get abolished and until then, wish them as much suffering as possible.

The writers who revealed this not-so-conflict of interest relationship between NYC leadership and the IHF mention that the IHF states that it has never pressured the NYPD to “crackdown on anti-genocide protests.” I never told my bestie to dislike someone who I didn’t like, but let’s just say it happens. Now of course my bestie isn’t a cop, ewwww, gross. That’s not the point though other than to let you know that I’m not friends with cops and you shouldn’t be friends with them either. Unless you’re pretending to be their friend to do terrible things to them. If the FBI is reading this, remember I’m an unemployed comedian. The point here is that my bestie and I are besties because we both want abolition and Black liberation.

The IHF is partying with NYC leadership because they share the same values as the United States of America: oppression and settler colonialism. Labelling this relationship a conflict of interest is to misconstrue the purpose of the NYPD and the state. It’s to act as if the cops are not here to beat our asses so Target can keep selling throw pillows. It’s to act as if the imperialist state known as the United States of America isn’t using the Zionist state to colonise the Middle East. It’s to act as if Eric Adams has ever done one good deed in his life.

News that made me tell the aliens not to come to Earth

The so-called United States of America and Israel are beyond vile, villainous, evil, brutal (yes I did use a thesaurus) and any other descriptor you can use for an entity so cruel even Sauron would be shocked. Taunting starving Palestinians with food from a fake humanitarian non-profit organization (Gaza Humanitarian Foundation), then shooting them when they attempt to get the food they were promised, represents the core values of these two states. The pretense of sainthood while carrying out atrocities.

After numerous calls to end the blockade in Gaza, tweedle evil and tweedle eviler forged a plan to perform humanitarian theatre. They used a fake humanitarian “non-profit” organisation called Gaza Humanitarian Foundation (GHF) to bring “aid” to Gaza. I bet you the people who came up with the name thought “if we put humanitarian in the name, people will think we are real”. No one thinks GHF is a real humanitarian organisation! The two countries responsible for the starvation “providing assistance” is such a huge red flag that it can be seen from space by the aliens who watch in disgust as colonisers commit genocide for profit.

We know what you are doing! We know the coloniser trick of impoverishing the colonised, then offering them breadcrumbs to assuage criticism and further entrench control. When I say we, I’m including the aliens in space who refuse to come to Earth lest they be infected by the brutality and apathy that keeps racial capitalism going. Save yourselves, aliens, this is no place for any sentient being.

Gaza Humanitarian Foundation follows the US’ use of non-profit organisations to co-opt revolutionary politics. Nice to see the United States using the tactics used to quell its domestic population in the international arena. By nice I mean abhorrent. Gaza Humanitarian Foundation also employs armed contractors to distribute the aid because nothing says we are here to help like guns – it’s the American way! As if all this is not bad enough, facial recognition software is being used to track those receiving the aid.

So next time someone tells you non-profit organisations will save us from the capitalists, tell them about the Gaza Humanitarian Foundation. I’m starting to think foundation is a code word for “commit evil”. Think about it, Gates Foundation, Clinton Foundation, Walmart Foundation. I rest my case.

The Gaza Humanitarian Foundation serves the same purpose as the aforementioned, laundering the reputation of our society’s oppressors for the purpose of furthering oppression. Well, there is no amount of laundering that cleanses the reputation of Israel, the United States, or Bill Clinton, if you care about humanity. The attempt to gaslight people into believing the duo from hell (sorry, Satan) actually cares about people didn’t work on UN officials (the UN is still run by colonisers) or me. I’m not going to pat myself on the back like I do when I take a shower because at this point no one should be falling for the US or Israel’s lies unless they want to believe those lies.

It is only through accepting the truth that our lack of freedom fuels the genocide in Palestine and vice versa that we can be free and I can finally stop looking up synonyms for evil in the thesaurus.

I took a break from the news to talk about my experience being interviewed by AI

 

@feelthenewswithmarcela Have you been interviewed by AI how was it? Also come to my show on June 7th in Brooklyn to catch up on the news! #feelthenews #AIInterview #RobotCoworker #ChatGPTPersonality #Standup #jokes ♬ original sound – Feel the News

See ya later,

Marcela