Hi, I’m Marcela: I’m a comedian, I live Brooklyn, and I really like to tell people how to feel about the news. After wowing zoomers all over on TikTok by giving them news with a sense of humour and anarchy, I decided to start a weekly Sunday newsletter to share my feelings about more news.
My weekly newsletter has evolved into this beautiful Tuesday weekly news column for shado which also covers international news. I hope the newsletter keeps you informed and makes you laugh a little. We live in hell and I believe humour helps keep this place a little bit cooler.
Today I’m sharing my feelings on record breaking heat, Connecticut banning utility companies from using customers’ payments to bribe politicians, children being imprisoned without AC, and the anti-fascist protests in Peru.
Onto the news…
News that made me say gushers aren’t a fruit
It’s very hot outside.Record temperatures are being recorded all over the globe. It’s so hot that “Hot Out Herre” would be the name of Nelly’s song “Hot in Herre” if it were written today. Unfortunately Nelly’s advice to take off your clothes to stay cool is simply not enough. The only advice to stop this catastrophic heat is to end capitalism. So if Nelly were to sing the song today, it would be it’s getting hot out herre, so end capitalism.
Capitalism is the reason why even though everyone knows what’s causing global climate change, nothing is being done to stop it. The things that are causing the temperature to rise (fossil fuels) are must haves for capitalism, which means capitalism is literally dependent on you walking around with underboob sweat. But underboob sweat is obviously the least of our worries.
The extreme heat is detrimental to human and animal life. However, capitalism doesn’t care if people die from heat because capitalism runs on death. When I say capitalism doesn’t care I mean corporations and governments maintaining capitalism don’t care.
However, instead of all of us tearing down capitalism while we dance to it’s getting hot out herre (someone tell Nelly we need a remix) we are still working. Capitalism would have us work during a zombie apocalypse because zombies are beneficial to the economy. We continue to work not because we want to but because we have to. At least we’ve been told that we have to.
Sure our material conditions are completely dependent on whether we work or not because under capitalism we are all being held hostage by five old white men. However, it will be really hard to meet any of our material needs when the planet becomes uninhabitable.
Essentially we are working to eat today so future generations can starve. I know that it is a really hard truth but sometimes hard truths need to be told. Like I finally had to accept that eating gushers for breakfast didn’t mean I had fruit for breakfast.
News that made me feel like bribing me is okay
The state calledConnecticut has banned investor-owned utility companies from using customer payments to bribe politicians. I call bribery what they call lobbying. Lobbying sounds like something that can be nice, bribery sounds like something dirty. Unless you are bribing me, then that is very nice.
Nonetheless, utility companies all over the so-called United States use customer payments to bribe politicians to raise customer utility rates. People who live in states other than Connecticut, Maine, and Colorado are paying for their own misery. I mean we all are whenever we pay taxes but this news made me want to run outside and scream.
I didn’t know that paying my electric bill could be used to increase the cost of my electric bill. It’s like paying my grocery store money to raise the price of avocado, except it’s worse. I don’t need avocadoes. If the prices go up I can stop buying them. Sure I’ll be an avocado toastless millennial which I think means I get kicked out of the millennial group but that’s okay. I can’t stop paying for my electricity unless I want to start using candlelight to cook.
Everytime I read a new piece of news and find out another way I’m funding my own oppression, I want to wear a shirt that says “I paid for my oppression today” every day. We should all wear this shirt. In capitalism we are forced to fund our oppression because the things we need to survive are sold by our oppressors. We also work for our oppressors because the money we need to survive we get from our oppressors. It’s almost like we are the ones oppressing each other and ourselves.
I say almost like because we don’t have a choice but to do these things to survive. No one other than the cops, the military, the politicians, and the capitalists wake up every morning saying can’t wait to go to work today to oppress other people. That’s why we should wake up one morning together and get rid of them.
News that made me tell you how I feel about Bretts
15 children imprisoned in Angola prison in so-called Louisiana were kept in cages without air conditioning with temperatures up to 133 degrees Fahrenheit. Want to guess how many of these children were Black?“All but one”, according to The Appeal. To be honest, when I started reading this article I assumed most of the children were Black because in the so-called United States this would never happen to Brett. Brett is the gender-inclusive name I use to call white children.
The Bretts are children who are allowed to be children. Bretts can sell drugs in their college dorms without worrying about the police. I know you are thinking but college students aren’t children. I’m here to tell you that if you are white in America you are a child until the age of 40. Even after 40 Bretts are allowed to cry during their supreme court justice hearing because people dare to bring up a terrible thing that Brett did. I’m talking about the most famous Brett, Brett Kavanaugh.
However, if you are Black, you are a criminalised adult as soon as you are born. You don’t get to sell drugs in the comfort of your dorm to fund your burgeoning DJ career. You get arrested for being mentally ill and imprisoned in a cage without AC and water by people who claim to care about your interests.
It’s a Democrat governor who agreed to move mostly Black children into a “former death row unit in Angola” for adults. So it’s not just the so-called United States government perpetuating racism, it’s the party that claims to care about ending racism.
Turns out when the Democrats say they want to end racism they mean the exact opposite. It’s opposite day every day in the Democratic Party. Whatever they say they will do that sounds nice, they mean the opposite of that.
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News that made me list some of the so-called United States’ favourite things
On 19th July, thousands of people in Peru poured into the streets of Lima to protest the current US-approved tyrannical government led by Dina Ercilia Boluarte Zegarra. Dina is the first woman to be president of Peru which doesn’t matter because women can be fascists too.
Women can be fascists too is something everyone who keeps saying we need a woman to be president of the so-called United States should be told. Fascism doesn’t become less fascist just because it’s led by a woman in a pant suit #imdefinitelynotalkingabouthilaryclinton. A woman president will not stop the United States from being the global bully. It will just mean the global bully will be on the cover of the New York Times and Vogue.
Dina came into power after the leftist president Pedro Castillo was overthrown by the fascists in the government in December. Pedro’s crime?Attempting to improve the lives of the poor. Of course the so-called United States supported this coup and continues to do so because as we all know fascism, hating poor people, and old white men are three of the United States’ favourite things. This aforementioned list is not in any particular order.
On 19th July, protestors against the current fascist government were met with violence from Peruvian and US military forces. US troops were sent toPeru in June to train the Peruvian military to specifically crack down on the 19th July protests. That’s right, the United States loves fascism so much that it’s willing to send its own troops to attack protestors in another country.
So when the US government says support the troops what it means is support the spread of fascism all over the globe.
See ya later,
I took a break from the new to talk about catcalling
I was walking around my neighbourhood, it was really hot and I was getting catcalled. Here are my thoughts about catcalling during the apocalypse
I’m currently reading Killing Rage: Ending Racism by bell hooks and it’s been really helpful for me because I’m so angry all the time. This book is helping me understand that I can channel my rage into fighting for the world I want to live in. A world where we can all have our needs met and I can hug trees whenever I want.
Everyone is obsessed with the new Barbie film. Here is a film review of why it’s just more capitalistpropaganda.
I’ve been getting a lot of my news from Ashoka Jegroo, a great leftist reporter in so- called New York City. Follow him ontwitter.
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